A Parallel Process

Do parallel lines ever meet? The answer to that question is simply, no. However, if we consider that human beings are not linear beings, perhaps the answer to that question is a tad bit more complicated. I am less than a week away from my 42nd birthday and I have been more restless than ever. I have tried a lot of things to navigate a better sleeping pattern. I have tried taking things, reading, meditating, turning the TV off, all of it has resulted in inconsistent sleep at best. I can’t shut my brain off. So. I remain in perpetual restlessness.

As I have mentioned I am reading a lot. I stumbled upon a platinum quality book and I think I have a new found love for EFT therapy. Sue Johnson is a genius. I wish that I had, had access to this book months and months ago. Her deep understanding of attachment and relationship is I dare say it, even better than that of the Gottman’s. Her writing is exquisite and I want to learn more and more. I need to learn more and more. I am in a pattern of complete and utter absorption; I truly want to understand myself in a way that I have never dared to try. Call it my life’s mission. I owe to anyone who has to deal with me.

For so long I spent my life moving from one thing to the next never pausing to sort out my role and responsibility in it. I blamed and took myself out of accountability so many times, I believed my own lies about the other person. I created a narrative about them and went with it. That is not easy for me to acknowledge since some of these relationships were highly toxic for me. What I have learned over time though is that regardless of the other persons behaviors I too showed up in my own toxicity, my own need for control, my own tactics to survive. I am responsible for my actions no matter what the reason and I have the choice to show up different if I am willing to face myself in the mirror and truly acknowledge that I too am toxic when not self-aware.

Why this idea of parallel process? I have always believed in the energy exchanged between lovers and not just any lovers but lovers who are mirrors of one another, some refer to this as a soul mate, a twin flame, whatever you want to label it, it is a deeper connection. You feel things a little bit differently. Is it possible for me to feel the energetic process of my lost love? I don’t know but I do believe that if I look deep enough I can see that when my soul mate is restless I may be restless as well. It’s that parallel process that while uniquely different to each of us, affects us both. I believe that regardless of the distance, our energy still connects us every so often.

Writing has not been an outlet for me at all lately. I have shied away from it. Getting “naked” to whomever may stumble upon this, has not been anything I have been willing to do. I am protective of my “body”, I'm fully armored up. I hope that in time that will change, that I will reveal myself more freely, but for right now, this is where I am.

I feel mostly satisfied with my life. I am enjoying my work, I am enjoying my relationship with my kids and while that will be an ever-evolving process, I am doing much better at holding space for their pain. No matter how adjusted they have become, they still have pain and I am responsible for holding space for that and now that I am no longer angry at the universe and focused on my healing, I have so much more room for them and their process. They were never responsible for making me comfortable.

I wonder how I will feel over time. I ask myself this question often, at mostly every therapy session, it’s a constant ask. Does the grief get any easier? I have compared this grieving process to the process I’ve used throughout my entire life. Nothing has ever felt quite like this. Life does truly move on when someone passes, but when someone is no longer in your life but still walks the earth it’s a different kind of torture. I know that what I describe is distinctly different to everyone and I also know that it may not affect others the same way, whatever process you choose, fairly acknowledging your feelings, is all I can recommend.

If I am being honest, I don’t know that I have grieved anything quite like how I am. Free of distractions, free of any and every coping mechanism I’ve ever employed. This shit is raw, I’m “naked”, and ever present in it. Some days it IS more than I can bare, and those days I immerse myself in a show and try and take a pause, to disconnect from my emotions, if even for a moment. And I lose hours those nights, tossing and turning, yearning, longing, and wondering. I don’t know that that will ever go away. I don’t know if that dull ache ever goes away. If it doesn’t that is ok, it has to be ok. And if it does then I imagine that energetic connection that I still at times feel will cease to exist as well. For now though, I embrace it, the feeling, the intensity that sometimes washes over me, it's like that subtle reminder of the other half of me.

Listen, I imagine anyone could think I am off my rocker talking about energetic pulls and connections to another being and that is ok. I know what I feel, and more importantly how she feels. And whether that is a complete illusion is not up for debate. It is what I wrap myself up in day to day. That energy’s power to release oxytocin in my body is as present today as it was two years ago. My blessing and curse.