Apologies have to mean something

I am feeling tired today. Maybe a little bored but I am here to continue my confessions. I am not used to sitting around doing nothing for such long periods of time. My mind has been going nonstop and while that has allowed me to think through things, it is becoming more and more overwhelming. I didn’t sleep well last night. So, I stayed up watching A Million Little Things. This show brings up a lot for me in the emotions department. So far in a little over a handful of episodes we are seeing, cancer, infidelity, suicide, pregnancy, and lots of secrets and lies. Within all that heavy stuff there is a group of friends that loves and supports each other seemingly no matter what. I suppose you could argue that they don’t have any established boundaries and that they are in each other’s business. What I see is a close nit group of humans who love each other desperately and will be there for the other no matter what. But like with most human interaction there is twist, turns, drama, and secrecy and they are just working through it one day at a time.

In many ways, this blog has been a means of me coming out of the land of secrecy and opening myself up in ways that allows those reading this to have full access to me. I have never been one to live secret lives or not be fully open to people knowing me and yet I am the most mysterious human being according to some because I keep my personal business close to my chest. Is it because I don’t want people to know me? Is it because I want people to continue to think that I have this “perfect” life and that I am unaffected by life’s chaos and turmoil? I don’t have the answer just yet because my actions would suggest that I am all about my image and less about any substance I offer in terms of emotional connection. I have spent a large portion of my life living in various compartments. I have struggled to acknowledge this fact about myself, but it is the truth. I compartmentalize all areas of my life as if they are their own separate entities and, that is the largest farce I’ve expelled to date.

Life is a series of actions, events, people, circumstances that are all interconnected. They don’t really exist separately from the other no matter how hard I try and argue that they do. Everyone in my life is affected by my actions directly and indirectly no matter what role they play in my life. No matter how hard I have tried to argue that my compartmentalization is healthy and what is needed for me to function, I couldn’t be more wrong. I argue a lot. I argue over what I see to be the truth and what at times is the truth. I argue that my way, is better than yours and I argue that I am doing the best that I can. Perhaps, I am doing the best that I can, I mean the current reality is that I am grieving. I am grieving a lot right now about my old life, my old expectations, my old self, all the things that once kept me grounded and tethered to an existence that once suited me just fine. Lately, I have felt very displaced. I have no footing anywhere, and perhaps that is exactly where I am supposed to be. My therapist often reminds me that I need to stop giving myself these unrealistic expectations of where I SHOULD be and just accept where I am. I struggle with this because I feel as if I should be farther along. I feel that because of my actions, behaviors, and choices, I am very far off from where I would like to be. I am at war with myself and as a result I am at war with others. It’s a constant civil war between my adult self and my irrational inner child. The two constantly bickering, volleying for control. I am a solo act craving connection but in reality, have zero room for anyone other than myself. How could I if I continue to perpetuate war against myself? That has been the biggest manipulation of all. I have screamed that I am a victim of circumstance and that others are responsible for my current situation but in reality, I am completely responsible for my own actions and my actions are not any of which I am proud of at least in relations to love. I have been irresponsible in love. Very irresponsible.

I have been so irresponsible that I have made vague promises, been vague in my communication, vague in the offering of my love. I have blamed this on my circumstances, blamed it on others actions or inflexibility and then have expected people to forgive me over and over again. I have perpetuated a childhood pattern of not holding myself accountable and not holding myself to a higher standard than was set for me as a young person. As an adult I have judged others for their behavior and not had enough insight into myself to see that I am not perfect and more importantly I am flawed living as if I have no flaws at all. The truth is that I have had to pull my foot out of my mouth more times than I can count. I have had to take back things I said I wouldn’t do because I ended up doing them and then justified it as being ok because I didn’t know any better. I suppose we all eat our words sometimes, but I am no longer ok with passing judgement on others actions when I have behaved so utterly despicably.

I am sorry for the times I have lied. I am sorry if you are someone that I have hurt with my entitlement and selfishness. I am sorry for any anger that I have caused. I am sorry if my apologies no longer mean shit to you. I know I have not been good at acknowledging my mistakes, being humble, staying accountable and that I have behaved like a complete and utter neanderthal at times. I am ashamed for what I have done, I don’t have any excuses, I did what I did, and I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I am sorry if I have hurt you. I promise to be better and do better now.