Baby mine

A longtime customer asked me yesterday if I only had one child. I responded as I usually do when someone makes the mistake of assuming I have one child and I said “I have two.” They proceeded to ask me how old they were and my response was 4 and 15 and they exchanged some additional pleasantries. Since then, I have been thinking about how much things change and how no matter how we plan, life tends to get in the way and alter the outcome of those plans. I have found myself wondering what life would look like right now if I had made different choices two years ago or if they would be different at all. I will never know the outcome of those choices but as I sit and reflect on the outcome, I can’t help but feel a profound sense of loss.

So often in my life I have been cavalier with my choices. I have barreled through life making choices that best suited me and as life evolved and changed and my world no longer was about my solo decisions but required collaborative thinking. I have realized that I have struggled so often with conflict and differences of opinion and when it comes to significant life choices, resolving conflict and coming to a mutual understanding is critical. You can’t demand from others no matter how passionate you may be, especially if they are directly impacted by your choices. Any decision made under duress is sure to create resentment and eventually even more significant conflict.

There are some moments that significantly change the course of your life. Ones that you remember so vividly. I remember where I was, sitting in an upper-level area in a quaint little café. The table was small, the setting warm, and the ambiance suitable to have one of the most difficult conversations. Had I known then what I know now, I am not sure that the same choice would have been made but as I sit here thinking about that moment, I have no regrets. I had been a day away from transferring an embryo, to begin the process of creating another life. In what felt like a split second but was hours’ worth of conversations, the decision was made to take a different path, one where I wanted to bring a baby into the world with her. Just like that, at a small café in an equally small town, her and I were on a very distinct path.

Life has a way of changing things up when you least expect it. No matter how certain I was about my path up until that time, I didn’t account for falling in love and for that path to take a significantly different turn. As I reflect back on the last two years, I am grateful for that unforgettable conversation I had at that small café. I can’t imagine how challenging it would have been to be in the midst of divorce and possibly have a small child because I chose to go through with that transfer. How could I have gone through it? I was in love with someone else.

There is a part of me however that feels deeply sad. I had not thought about having another child much at all. My friend recently lost her newborn tragically and I swore that I would never put myself through that kind of pain. And yet a simple question by an innocent customer has me thinking about what life would have been like.

I have two beautiful children. One who I had the honor and privilege of growing in my womb and bringing into this world and the other who chose me to be her mom. What an honor it is to be their mother. To watch them grow. Both in such distinctly different places in their lives and with equally distinct needs. There is no greater blessing then watching my children grow into the beautiful humans they are choosing to be and no matter how difficult it can be at times and how hard it is somedays to not wrap myself in guilt and shame about their pain, they are the most amazing two people I will ever know.

As I lay here, I can’t help but think of the life that I will never get to know. My client who is a recent mother to an almost two-month-old, shared a picture of her little girl with me. During our sessions she talked about breast feeding, adapting to the new normal, not knowing which mom group to follow or if the pediatrician is the end all be all. I remember that uncertainty, that fear that I would somehow fuck things up. As I have traveled these last four years, I have learned a great deal about how wrong I am most often and how being a parent isn’t about being right or wrong, it is about showing up for your kids each and every day no matter what and doing the best you can and when you learn the best isn’t enough doing even better.

As I looked at the sweet, innocent face of my client’s little girl, I couldn’t help but imagine what their face would look like, what features would be mine, if any. Would our pregnancy be as difficult as the first one? Would I be less sick? Or more? I wonder what she would have been like with me. She wanted this just as much as me if not more. To have a baby in her correct sexuality. To be more present. I know she would have been a good mother to this life we will never get to meet. I know she would have been attentive, loving, and deeply devoted. I am so deeply sad for us. For the many missed experiences. For the loss of a dream that we both had. For the child that will never get to experience the love we would have had. For the siblings they will never meet. All of it a distinct reminder that in life no matter what we plan, life has a way of taking us down very unpredictable paths. Tonight, I take a path in which I mourn the loss of all the lasts I didn’t know were lasts, and embrace the firsts I still have yet to experience with my two beautiful humans. And to the baby we will never know, you are loved, you are wanted, and you are missed.