Barriers

I don’t feel better this morning, I had hoped I would. I feel absolved. A sense of calm and that I can only describe as being numb. I am numb after a night of pain, and I don’t know if I ever want to go back. I started a blog post a couple weeks ago and I may or may not finish it. I titled it The Alchemist and The Fledgling. It was what I felt was the culminating piece. That piece that would explain it all to anyone willing to listen. The beginning, middle, and end of this tragic union between two people who undoubtedly love each other. I won’t even past tense the love because that would be a complete and utter lie. An abandonment of actual reality. I think her and I have done enough of that at this point that I wouldn’t insult our tragedy any further. I think that is the part that is making me the most upset is that we are both sad, lonely, and needing of the other but not enough to do something about it. Two stubborn ass women digging their heels in the sand and for what? Beats the fuck out of me.

I realized yesterday that I am ready to share my story, that I am ready to unleash all of it, I just don’t know how much of it I am willing to share with the world. Our story is ours. It is private and it is sacred and no matter how much time has gone by, I can’t bring myself to complete that post. It is that final piece I suppose that will bring both life and death to our story and I don’t know that I am ready to yet put the culminating piece out on display for just anyone to read. My writing is not exquisite or brilliant, but it comes from a place that I am most protective of right now and that is my heart. If my head were writing, these posts would be more about research and far more detached. What I am putting here is raw and completely naked. I want to expose myself because nothing else is acceptable.

She is not a secret entity that didn’t exist. She was real and real hurts sometimes especially when it is no longer there. And the fact is that she is not accessible to me and likely will never make herself again. Trauma has a funny way of molding us and creating protective layers around ourselves that no matter how much we love something if the threat of annihilation is too high, we barricade ourselves so tightly that we don’t allow access. Add to that two deeply hurting people, it truly could be a disaster. I know that I hurt her, I know that you know that I hurt her, I know that she knows that I hurt her. I have shared that story so much because it is important that no one ever believe that it was for no reason that she chose to exit stage left. What I will not own is what has happened now.

I started this blog to talk to her. That is the truth. It was a mechanism to share with her even in our distance what was going on in my head and in my heart. It was my way of showing her my process. She always wanted my process, and I didn’t know how to communicate it with her ever. I clammed up, became silent, and struggled to articulate myself because when I was around her, so much of reality faded and I couldn’t think. And when I was forced to do something with these thoughts, I took to this space to write about them because I needed to ensure that I held myself accountable. I also needed to share how I felt. The accountability doesn’t need to supersede the actual feelings, the things that actually drove this connection in the first place.

She told me countless times that she knew that I loved her. That she knew that my heart felt something but that she could not see that in my actions. She is right that my actions at the time were not congruent with my feelings. And I suppose now it doesn’t matter what I can or can’t do. What matters is that I continue to speak my truth and my truth is that I am in pain, and I believe that if I know her how I believe that I do that she is in pain too. The problem is we won’t do anything because we are waiting for the other to do something congruent with what we believe to be true. I could be absolutely off base. Perhaps she isn’t interested in anything further from me. Perhaps that is wishful thinking on my part. Maybe that has been my issue the whole time. I am a dreamer and not a realist. Maybe I need to grow up and acknowledge that it is over and that I need to move on and be done with all of this. Relationships end all of the time and people move on, maybe that is the problem. I am holding on to something that wants nothing to do with me.

If I believed the above to be true, I would stop feeling this way. I know that I would stop feeling this tether to her. The tether continues and perhaps like with any kind of grief we don’t want to let the other person go, but this is different, and we both know it. I think we are both deeply in grief, that we are doing things to navigate that daily. And some days it is worse than others. What I can’t square is that we don’t have to be. I learned some valuable lessons recently about my capacity to acknowledge my deficits, the areas that keep me angry and irrational. The parts that are destructive. The parts that couldn’t hear her when she needed me most. I have spent so much time thinking of the ways I could have shown up for her. She didn’t ask for much from me expect to be there when she needed me. I couldn’t hear her and that folks is the greatest lesson of all. I hear her now. I hear her loud and clear. And I feel unable to do anything with that. Can we ever find our way back with the tremendous barriers in place? I wish I knew the answer but for today, if I am living in my truth and with authenticity and in my integrity, I stay where I am, doing what I am doing, remaining true and sharing with anyone listening the truth of me and the alchemist.