Birthday wishes

I am not sure what to feel today. I am in pain and I am not sure how to reconcile that. Today is my 41st birthday. I spent yesterday with family celebrating the day of my birth and it was nice as it usually is, but I can’t say that I was fully present, my mind wandered often. I enjoy being with my family. They have a lighthearted sense of humor, but they are also a lot to handle with their political banter of which can be a little much sometimes. They are always appreciative of family events and the effort that gets put into them. So that is nice.

I struggled to fall asleep last night. So, I listened to my sleeping child breathing through the monitor and eventually I was able to drift off into what ended being a very interrupted sleep pattern. I have been struggling to sleep lately. Easily awoken and then typically struggle to get back to sleep. It’s probably one of the most annoying things to deal with. I work a crazy schedule and lots of hours and sleep is needed to be able to even half function these days.

I chose solitude today. That is how I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I am sitting at the beach right now listening to music, listening to the subtle sounds the water makes when it hits the shore, and I am taking it all in. That seems like all I can do these days. Take it all in. The water has always been a place where I feel peace. It brings me back to myself in a way that not many other earthly creations do. The rain is on its way and it has cast a somber feel on the water today, but it is still beautiful. I didn’t used to appreciate the way the clouds can change the dynamic of the water but now I look at it and I appreciate the deep-rooted beauty that it possesses even in its sadness.

Out of sadness does come beauty at least that is what I am telling myself today. I have been on a quest to find the lesson in life these days. I feel like at each turn there is a new lesson and a new setback, and my faith is deeply in question. What even is faith? It is something that we are taught at a young age, to believe in something out of this world and that somehow, they will be able to fix all things. I don’t know that I believe that anymore. I don’t know that I believe in wishes, superstitions, anything that I need to wish something, and it will come true. I think it is all a bunch of bullshit to be honest. Call me cynical but I have enough experience these days that I don’t believe that you can wish or pray for something and that it will come true. Wishes are for fools and dreamers and I am working on being grounded in reality not in dreams. I mean hell, I am working on a lot of things these days, so I don’t want that to get overshadowed by my gloomy mood today because I have made a lot of progress over the last few months. Progress that I would not have been able to make without the pain.

Pain either drives us to be better or it drives us to fall apart.

It’s 11:11a on 4/11/2021…...another bullshit superstition. But let’s see, I wish for……? Remember, I can’t share my wish, or it won’t come true.