Boundaries 101

So, I have mentioned before that I have struggled with boundaries my whole life. That continues to remain true. Recently, I have been faced with the idea of whether or not I have the ability to ensure that I maintain impeccable boundaries. Or will I continue to have justifications to go out of bounds? As a psychotherapist, any time I use the word boundary in my counseling sessions, my client often get in their defenses. They say things like “I can’t do that”, or “I don’t want that”. They are coming from a place of fear and I do the best that I can to highlight the various benefits of having impeccable boundaries. And depending on the nature of the relationship in question, I always share that while it may sound scary to set a boundary it can actually be the safest thing for all parties involved including the relationship itself. So why this constant focus on boundaries? Every relationship whether platonic or romantic, deserves them.

Boundaries create emotional health and are usually implemented and adhered by emotionally healthy people. So, the question that I often ask myself is am I emotionally healthy? And does my attachment style make it difficult to adhere to my boundaries and those of the ones that I love? If I am being completely honest, my attachment style is a recipe for disaster in my relationships because I operate from a place of fear. Fear of not being loved, of being left, of not being enough. And while my feelings may be valid based on my history, they do not give me a license to harm others for the sake of my own comfort and necessity. I am beginning to understand that as I continue to replace the false narratives that I have created in my mind about myself I am more equipped to prioritize my emotional health which in turn allows me the mental bandwidth to prioritize the emotional health of the people that I interact with most intimately. What that all means is I will be able to attach in a healthy way.

I have been sitting with the realization that many times in my life “wanting” something falsely gave me permission to deviate from healthy boundaries. My focus became more about satisfying that want versus working towards it. Lots of addictive components to unravel there. My therapy and lots of reading has yielded that my attachment style is anxious and avoidant. That means that I am knowingly able to stop working for what I “want” once I receive the gratification. And that I am capable of manipulation to keep it. That is a really hard acknowledgement to make because it means that I will be inconsistent in working towards healthy goals when I meet the immediate need. What I am realizing is that I need to pace from a healthy place and not from an unmet need. And the more consistent I am with that the less likely I am to go out of bounds.

Scarcity versus abundance. Fear versus love. Operating from a place of scarcity and fear won’t allow the opportunity for healthy boundaries ever because essentially you will be incapable of sitting with yourself long enough to regulate yourself. To emotionally process, seek closure, or even create a safe space for yourself, your partner, your children. None of that can happen when we are not emotionally regulated enough to see that without the boundary, we are following the steps out of order. Wanting something no matter how badly can’t negate the need for it to be healthy for both partners.