Can we argue for change?

I wonder how many of relationship arguments are started due to a projection. Or perhaps not even so much of a projection but rather a fear to explore a particular area of ourselves that is brought up during an argument. I woke up today wondering about the motivation behind arguing and how can we be better about its purpose. Life wouldn’t function without some level of conflict but when conflict perpetuates more conflict and hinders connection why do we do it so often.

I suppose this question is complicated and nuanced but if I don’t explore this further don’t I lose my capacity to change? I sometimes wonder if arguments are predicated as a result of not being able to hold multiple truths at one time. And as you know when we argue someone wants to prevail. Whether or not anyone would admit that, when our goal is to win an argument, we immediately shutdown our capacity to listen to the other person and so we lose our capacity to connect. Even in an argument you are connecting with your partner, but you must be willing to listen, rather than respond. If we aren’t listening, then what is the point. Empathy is possible if we are willing to hold people’s stories as their truth and listen to learn. At times when we argue we are not willing to tap into our empathy in order to be able to hold space for that person’s experience. Therefore, we aren’t connecting that in many ways, we each have a shared experience. That the trauma and rage we have experienced, is not dissimilar and that one truth is not more important than the other.

The details essentially don’t matter what matters is what it did to you. How that experience changed or shaped you is what is needed to have empathy for the other person. Empathic failure happens because you aren’t able to see the person, hear the person or be present with the person. So, we use shame, and we belittle as a means to hold people accountable and all that is, is our ego state, our childlike brain. So rather than creating healing and trust we create distance and destruction. When we use those tools to fight it doesn’t allow for change or connection.

Strong lasting relationships are not 50/50. The idea that relationships are 50/50 is an antiquated belief system that in today’s society does not serve a relationship well. I didn’t know this until later in life but now that I understand how relationships work (in theory) I am exploring how I can show up better for the person that I love when they need me most. The other noteworthy exploration is, is it solely my responsibility to know what their need is or is it theirs to express it? According to Brene Brown, relationship health and functionality are based on an 80/20 rule. Feel free to research this further but the premise is that once a couple has identified their individual thresholds, they communicate them and implement recovery services as needed which creates a loving and nurturing environment for the entire family system.

As I have shared, I argue to argue sometimes. I argue to avoid vulnerability and intimacy. Oftentimes, I lack the ability to shut my ego off and focus on the other person. The more I spend time thinking about this the more I realize that no matter what label I put on something it doesn’t change that when I want to connect with someone in a deeply intimate way, I must be able to see things from their perspective not mine. I must consciously practice empathy. It is something that I must be extremely self-aware of not because I don’t possess the skill but because I don’t use the skill when it counts the most which is when someone I love says that I am not meeting their need. And it doesn’t matter if it was previously communicated or not. I need to be willing to listen to their experience, take it as an opportunity to show up for them, be humble and make a change that is appropriate. That is the recipe for a healthy relationship. It’s not so much about arguing or not, it is how am I using that argument to create change in the relationship. Relationship health is based on a mutual desire to work through conflict, heal, and make up. The cycle may repeat day after day but as long as change is happening then everything has the potential to work out even in the most difficult of circumstances. If we remind ourselves that our partner is our ally not our enemy the relationship will undoubtedly change.

I wish that I wasn’t thinking of this just now, that I had been more interested in navigating these aspects of myself before all the change and loss but there is no benefit in shaming myself anymore. All I can do is continue to explore this all. To continue to work on myself, to continue to confront the unhealthy parts of me. I want so desperately to go back and erase all of the pain that I caused, make better choices than I did, treated the hearts of those I love with more care and tenderness. I can’t go back but I can move forward. As I move forward, I am going to have the knowledge and awareness that I need to have healthy relationships with the people that matter most. The nature of the relationship doesn’t matter, what matters is how those people feel around me, with me, and about me. Before I met the alchemist, I would not have known how much of me truly needed to be explored in all aspects of my life. I would not have known that I was still missing so much, that I had so much to still heal about myself. The legacy I left behind is not one I am proud of and maybe one day I will be able to make up for all the pain and hurt. If not, then I hope that from the heartbreak I obtain the tools to be the best human I can be.