Change is in the air

It’s been a long week and it's only Monday night. I am a bit overwhelmed with all of the change that has been happening these last few weeks. And yet that is exactly what is keeping me motivated to keep on going. I suppose whatever happens next is my next coming out. I suppose I never really had a coming out. My coming out really began at 39 and I feel like a new version of me has been coming out daily since then. I have to acknowledge the Alchemist here because she helped launch me into my eternal coming out party. And now, once again I am on the precipice of something new. I suppose that now is as good a time as any to begin my next adventure and yet I can’t help but feel that as so many things are falling into place, there is still something so very not in place. That perpetual missing puzzle piece.

I feel like the theme of all of these blogs are the things that I am missing in relations to another human being. The fact is that I am missing warmth and human connection. I feel like I have been go, go, go for some time and the thing I keep coming back to is that I am missing what it feels like to be with someone. I have a lot of autonomy these days, I enjoy my time alone, and I enjoy being amongst my friends. It’s at night when I am looking to wind down, to get undressed, to be in the company of another, and there is no one there. I don’t always feel lonely, this isn't a feeling of loneliness. It is a feeling of missing companionship. At one point, I felt desperate, I felt like the addict that I have been before. I wanted something and no longer had access to it and it was painful and excruciating. It felt like death.

I feel very far removed from that place. It has been a while since I felt that desperate. Now, it is that continued dull ache. I speak of it often because it continuously persists. I often wonder if that will ever go away. I imagine it won’t. Part of it is that I know that I can’t just replace these feelings with distractions. Bringing more people into my world doesn’t get me the relationship I am looking for. Sure, there is more access, but what is access without genuine connection. I am sure others may argue this point but it is how I feel. I am protective of myself now and I don't share myself easily. Fact of the matter is that I know what I want, I have experienced it, and I won’t have anything else. So, why bother looking? Answer to that is I am not.

This summer my focus has been redirected to revolutionizing myself. Focusing on not only my mental health but my professional growth and development. This is my time and I am so deeply scared about what I am actually capable of doing versus what I can do in theory. If you have learned anything about me then you know I let fear be my roadmap and right now I have no room for it. It is fear that has me in a space that I am contemplating missed opportunities and living with this dull ache. My fear has been so debilitating at times and in recent months I must say that I feel so much more secure, much more regulated, much more whole and complete than I have ever felt before in my life. My reactions to things have been so much more thought out and processed. I have checked myself every step of the way and as a result I am choosing all of my words wisely. Words were always critically important and I was not one who used them wisely.

Tonight, I am tired but I can’t seem to settle myself enough to get to bed. Even when I am able to rest, I can’t settle my mind. It is constantly racing, wondering, hoping, that all the unknowns become knowns. An impossibility I keep hanging on to. I am hopeful that the knowledge I have acquired will truly help me move me forward into the next stage of life. I question whether I am able to make the right choices when it counts because I have been unable to make some of the most important decisions of my life in recent years. My biggest regrets lie within the moments I had that I didn’t make the choices that I know would have made me happy. Ones that had I been willing to see I wouldn’t have missed them. Those regrets will remain with me I imagine for a lifetime. And no matter what I do, I won’t get those opportunities back. That’s the things about regret. I suppose this is a little bit about fear, regret, new beginnings and unfinished endings.

I am however the author of this next chapter of my life and with the support of the ones around me I think that the possibilities are endless. Doesn’t stop me from hoping that somewhere out there someone is out there hoping right along with me.