Change. Needs. Love

Just when I think that I am getting over it, I am immediately snapped back into a magical memory, memories that meant so much to me, and it immediately brings me to my knees. That was last night, a subtle memory that popped into my mind and reminded me of a time that feels like so long ago, and in reality, it WAS, but I’ve held onto them because they were the only things that allowed me to survive. Survival has been the prescription for most of my life and as I come out of the fog, I want to live, not merely survive. I woke up today and I realized that I stopped keeping track of the last time. There have been so many last times, that I just stopped putting significance to them. And I am struggling to reconcile that. Desperately trying to recall the last moments. Sweet torture that I no longer have the strength to give power too.

I have been listening to podcasts lately. They have become a coping mechanism that I have leaned on in the last couple months. Music has always had such a significance in my life, my emotional process, my heart, that I have had to take a step away from most music. Songs have the power of taking you back in time and right now I don’t want to be back in time but rather in the present sorting out the “stuff” that needs sorting right now. I have really taken to Mayim Bialiks Breakdown. It is a great podcast with down to earth people, struggling with the rest of us. I finally caught up on all the episodes and it was time to move onto something else. Reluctantly, I resumed listening to We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle. I had been avoiding that for some time. It has too much of a significance to me. Untamed, Glennon, Abby, all of it so close to my heart. A reminder of what was lost. So much loss this last year and a half. I won’t tell the story anymore of all of the things that I did wrong. We already know that I didn’t handle myself with integrity. I am done beating that dead horse for now at least. It isn’t productive and isn’t helping me.

This morning, I was listening to the episode around fighting well. As I listened to them banter back and forth, I was thinking how often I was reminded that unless you have a “real” relationship with someone none of the tips and tricks matter. That you can listen to all the self-help gurus but without actually being in a “real” relationship then none of it really matters. What it made me think was that any relationship with a human being is a real relationship and that it is our duty as people connecting with other people to decide how we are going to behave in those relationships. We have a choice, and we get to choose how well or how poorly we treat someone. There is no rule book or standard operating platform to follow. We just have to decide to be with someone and be. The rest gets figured out in time.

When we know our partners, it is our duty to be able to take their triggers into consideration all the time. While that may be exhausting it is a small price to pay to have a healthy relationship. What happens when both partners are triggered? Each one is responsible for showing up for the other in the way that is needed for that person. It is a promise to each other that you won’t go straight to the other person's weakness the moment that conflict arises. That you won’t use their trauma against them to get the upper hand. Abby refers to it as a toll that Glennon has to pay to make her feel safe and vice versa. We have to commit to pay the toll and while it is incredibly difficult and at times frustrating for the other person isn’t it a small price to pay for forever.

I related with Abby viscerally. My biggest weakness is that when I get triggered, I immediately go to shame, feelings of not good enough and all my rational capabilities go out the window and I am an 8-year-old child again, feeling unsafe and unprotected by the one person who promised to take care of me. I think of all the fights and there were hundreds and I never felt safe. I know that will sound controversial because neither did the other person. Neither of us felt safe. Abby talks about needing to be assured that Glennon wouldn’t/won’t leave. That Glennon needs to make her believe that as they embark on this conflict together that Glennon will stay no matter what. And once she had that reassurance, she would feel safe enough to engage. You can’t avoid conflict but what happens if you know that conflict leads to being left? You avoid it or manipulate yourself out of it.

Fighting is never pleasant, especially with someone you love. You each put your armor on and get ready for battle and the goal is to see who’s going to win. You dissect every word the person is saying to find a way to make them wrong. You become rageful and angry and you attach shame where it doesn’t belong because you are unable to stay in your rational, adult brain. We do this because we have believed our whole lives that we are too much, illogical, that we are too needy. I can say with certainty that when I am on the receiving end of this I perseverate about my shame, my guilt, I completely shut down, believe the outcome is that I am going to be left or abandoned and immediately I become the victim. I don’t leave any room for the person to have feelings because now I need to be taken care of. I never made the commitment to reassure my partner that I would fight fairly and provide the reassurances they needed to be able to enter the conflict feeling safe. That was my responsibility if I wanted to provide a safe place to allow conflict to resolve itself. Each person has to be willing to be responsible to the other in this way no matter how hard it gets. The more attention we give to this the less control the trigger has over time.

The ingredient that was missing was that the more reassurances I could provide going into battle the easier it would become. The more the brain would be put at ease, the more that the rewiring would happen, which over time leads to the ability to work through the trauma so it has less power and control over our reactivity. Rather than approach conflict from a place of love it was from a place of power and the use of the others weakness/vulnerability. I had shared in my attempts of honesty and perhaps self-sabotage that I didn’t fight fairly. And I didn’t. I guess I never have but this time it mattered more than any power trip or self-protective measure. It was critical to the health and viability of the relationship. I didn’t see it then; I see it now.

Anger has always been a go to response in my life. Glennon put it eloquently she said that in her world love was loud. That the anger represented love. I can relate to that in some ways. My mom used to refer to my dad’s outbursts as him being passionate. As I look back now, his anger came from not being heard, or really even seen. He has always been the workhorse, the man that made the impossible happen. He was angry because he has had an unlived life. One where work has been all consuming. He has missed so much living and I’d imagine that his list of regrets is long even if he would never admit it, ever. As I unpack all of this and really work at finding the courage to continue to address my childhood wounds, my trauma, I am realizing that while they did the best that they could with what they knew. I need to know better for the sake of my kids. I don’t ever want them to feel like they need to abandon themselves to make me proud. So, the journey continues.