Choices

Just when you think you are doing ok something reminds you that you are not, and I am glad for that. I spent a lot of my life “numbing.” As a teen I spent many a night drinking, drugging, and smoking cigarettes. I would find any reason to go outside, even if that meant walking the dog 60 times a night. I look back now, and I wonder how I smoked for so long, I can’t stand the smell. There is something nostalgic about the smell of smoke, though. It reminds me of a time when I felt the most carefree and alive. It’s interesting to think that we could be carefree and alive when we are slowly killing ourselves.

I feel a lot of heaviness these days. Lots of grief, lots of uncertainty, and above all else lots of emotional processing. Each day, I sit with myself in a different way, I am really evaluating where I am and what I still need to work on. I have recently wondered if what I am doing really matters to anyone but me. Does anyone really care if I spend time processing and evaluating myself and my behavior? I truly don’t think so. As much as we seek connection, we are very selfish creatures. We “want” a lot of things but aren’t really willing to work for them. We are an instant gratification society. We identify a want and then we figure out who can give it to us. But what if what we want is something that can’t be obtained by anyone but ourselves?

I learned something about myself recently. As much of an anxious/avoidant attachment style I possess, if I am in a relationship with someone who sees me, believes in me, and collaborates with me, I feel safe and secure. My jealousies and insecurities are hushed because I trust in the foundation of the relationship. I am encouraging of my partner to go and do things that make them happy rather than worrying that the things they are doing will somehow take them away from me. I am not as activated as when I feel that at any moment in time I will be left. I spent a lifetime walking on eggshells that if I didn’t do things just right that I would not be loveable. As a result, I didn’t love myself well, I allowed myself to engage in behaviors that felt good in a moment but the long-term effects were greater amounts of loneliness and a significant amount more pain.

Imagine what it would feel like for someone who says they love you to swiftly take that love away or suspend their love because you didn’t comply with their “want”? It makes me think of this idea of “tit for tat” or “quid pro quo” do for me and I’ll do for you. Make ME feel safe and YOUR natural reaction will be to feel safe too. Right? No, that in itself is the biggest manipulation. One person alone cannot create safety in a relationship. Nor should the expectation ever be that if you do this for me, I will do that for you but until you do what I need I cannot show up for you. That isn’t love that is control.

Love is supposed to be safe because it fosters intimacy, motivation, autonomy, happiness. It should never be a dynamic where love is there and then it isn’t. That doesn’t foster any kind of trust and no matter what anyone wants to argue on how trust is built or repaired in relationship, when you use it as leverage to get someone to move or show up for you it is destined to fail. Love isn’t a set of expectations it is a natural fluid feeling that comes because you find someone with whom you have chemistry and things in common. You see a future with this person, and you want to grow both in the relationship and as an individual. If you are unable to thrive as an individual, you will never thrive in partnership. Love is an extension of yourself not your whole being. Love is a choice; we do not have to love someone or something. Love is a choice.

Choosing to love someone is allowing them into your heart with no guarantee of outcome. The hope is that it will last and that it will be provide us with all that we desire but it doesn’t happen by one person demanding of the other. It happens when you tell the person that you love that you will be there for them, support them, encourage them, and not use love as a tactic to get needs met or to punish. Love happens and is sustainable when you work as a team with your partner and not as two separate individuals. Love can happen when people come together and accept the other for who they are because you realize that together you can overcome anything. No one is perfect. We all have things we need to work on, and it can take a lifetime to work out all the kinks but, in the end, if there is self-awareness and consistent growth and accountability then we should be willing to walk parallel with our partners, hand in hand. If love becomes about all the ways, you aren’t meeting the needs of the other then I highly recommend couples counseling or reevaluating the health of the relationship. We need to meet our own needs before we can demand of our partners.