Discard or Keep

I am looking for her in all I do lately. I have a deep, dark, shadow of sadness and uncertainty that is looming over me and I don’t know where to place it. Do I place it? Perhaps my goal is to sit with it long enough for it to begin to fade. Right now, I don’t want the feeling to fade. There is something deeply comforting about how I feel, it’s a reminder of my humanity. I am human and right now I feel deeply pained by the loss of her. Plain and simple, my pain is as a result of her absence in my life. May sound ridiculous to some but as I have come to terms with myself and allowing myself the room to feel versus shaming myself, I just don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about it anymore.

My therapist asked me last week if I wanted to use the flashing technique, it’s a technique used in EMDR to lessen the intensity of memories. In the case of trauma work it is the intensity of extremely disturbing memories, in the context my therapist asked me it was to lessen the intensity and the frequency of the memories I have about her, about the breakup. It is a daily struggle. These realistic flashbacks of moments and experiences. So detailed and intense that it feels like I am there again. I am there mostly, with her or the spirit of her. I am not even sure anymore. Was any of it real? Was it truly the greatest dream my imagination could muster? Based on the aftermath, the pain, and the current status of my life, I am going to go with a big fuck no. I am punchy today and despite my best efforts to just put this period of my life to bed, I am writing.

She doesn’t seek me out anymore, she divorced me too. That isn’t to place blame it is simply, an I statement about how I feel. I feel discarded, divorced from. So, this writing is truly for me and the occasional person who is interested in my story. If I am being perfectly honest with myself it is the moment, I no longer felt her presence when the intensity of my pain resumed. When I realized she was done even in seeking my written word. I felt hopeful even in our silence that she was seeking me, looking for me, perhaps looking for the same glimmer of hope and then it was gone and I once again felt broken again. I guess another part of the healing process. The realization that the perceived finality of something you cherish, is actually done. I had held out hope and now well not so much.

I have been reflecting on my lack of responsibility to her, to us, the last two years. I had been so afraid of losing this tremendous thing that I lost it with tactics and harmful strategies. My trauma and the scarcity I came from clouded my capacity to do something different, I wasn’t emotionally available to her, I was unkind and I argued that I was day in and day out rather than listening to her experience. I can safely say without hesitation now that I was not emotionally available to her. And as my emotional availability grew, I was still fucked in my expectations so all in all nothing gained and so much lost. You send a fool into battle all kinds of shit is going to fall apart. I was weak trying to love her in the ways she needed and how could I possibly have been up for that challenge when I wasn’t hearing what it was, she needed.

The one thing I will not deny myself is that I loved her. I saw her in a way that I hope to never forget. She is a beautiful soul, a soul that you can see clearly when you look in her eyes. I miss her terribly. If I could truly put into words what being without her has meant I am not sure anyone would believe me. It’s a deep-rooted pain that I feel in every inch of my being. I miss her smell a combination of her perfume, lotion, and her hair products. The most familiar smell. I wonder if that comfort will eventually fade. I suppose everything not tended to fades into nothingness.

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that I could possibly be making all of this up in my head. That she really didn’t “divorce” me, that she hasn’t discarded me, and that in reality she misses me desperately and is waiting for me to do what is being required of me. Anyone who understands human behavior understands that when our minds are uncertain about something we very conveniently create a story. Our minds take the liberty of filling in the gaps to create some level of safety. And for anyone that knows me, you know that I suffer from trauma, and have an unhealthy attachment style. I easily feel discarded, as if I am not enough. And since I am currently in pain, I have to acknowledge that I could be creating a narrative that she has stopped seeking me, is over me, and is not interested in me and could be totally wrong.

I don’t believe I am wrong. I have supportive evidence to suggest that I am not wrong. If I knew her at all, understood how she loves, then I am not wrong. And I am sad as hell. I never wanted to be a notch on her belt, just another lover that didn’t get it right. I am tired of being sad. I am just no longer focusing on being bad, or the shame I have associated with not moving on. For focusing on this so much, for having my therapist ask me if I want to dull the pain. I don’t love that way, not her. I don’t want to dull the pain. Can a therapeutic technique erase how much my soul craves her? Can it help me desire another? I don’t imagine it can.

People are always telling us to get over it or move on. Hell, we tell ourselves to get over shit and move on all the time. I have been getting over shit my whole life. I am demanding of myself to sit in this for as long as it takes to heal from it not just replace it with something else. All this time later and I haven’t lost the passion, the burn, the desire. So, whether she seeks me or not is not something I can control and my perception that she has stopped is as real as it feels even if I am completely wrong.

I hope to continue to evolve emotionally and spiritually, I owe it to myself and all of my future selves.