Embrace the ones you love

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning and I am appreciating the things I do have. I have spent a lot of time lamenting about what I don’t have and I don’t want to lose sight of the rest. Time is always moving. No matter what we do, we can’t stop it from quickly accelerating. Reading helps me slow things down. I read so much and feel like I am always craving more. Some books I choose to read slower than others and other things I can’t help but speed through. Either too boring or too good to put down. Either way my need to complete things, prevents me from discarding it.

I read a blog this morning written by someone who captivates me in ways I have never been captivated before. Perhaps it sounds cliché but it is factual. I suppose it is that I can hear the voice behind each word and that allows me to bring the story to life, to feel it, to experience what is being shared from a very different perspective than if I had stumbled onto this page accidently. It is a choice; one I make and often don’t regret. Only few times have I said this is hard, why do I keep doing it. I do it because I am choosing it. We often wonder what people we once had access to are doing. An ex, a former friend, colleague. We don’t often inquire and perhaps my inquiry is one that is on the side of cowardess because in reality, reading one’s words no matter how my mind hears the narration is not the same has having them in your life. It doesn’t really satisfy the need and the desire. It is simply a small window into their world as they share it. I suppose it is the same here for me, it is only a glimpse of what I am actually experiencing.

I suppose I am still working on being vulnerable and sharing with anyone listening the true inner turmoil that I experience from day to day. I am no longer looking to impress anyone. I tried that for so long and I did it in ways that truly are unbecoming of a person who says they have it all put together. I have learned that messy is best and if people still can see me through the utter mess that I can be at times, then by golly I am lucky. I have been so lucky in my life and I feel like so many times I took for granted the things and people being presented to me because I wasn’t willing to show up. I have lost dreams and experiences and I wish a lot. Wishing is still in theory a fantasy one that without dedication to the accomplishment of that wish is a manipulation to myself and others. I want actual results and while I have been able to have those professionally and will continue to overcome any professional adversity thrown my way. My personal life is suffering greatly and I am starting to get to a point where I am no longer willing to tolerate it.

I feel alive in many ways. I am able to see the world with more color and vibrance. I continue to work on the darkest recesses of my mind, the ones that still hold anger and resentment, I am showing up for those around me in a much healthier way and I am committed to never backsliding into the woman I was, unable to make decisions, and unwilling to be taught and to learn. What I am looking for however, I worry doesn’t exist anymore for me. I feel I missed my moment, my opportunity at true happiness and that is a concept I am really struggling to wrap my head around. I am fully present in the moments I am living, at least most of the time. I am able to see life for what it is and to embrace all that it has to offer but I still feel incomplete. And no matter how much time passes that feeling. That pit in your stomach feeling does not go away. Will it ever?

I honestly don’t know. I know how often you read me write here that I miss past moments. How often I find the beauty in those experiences and wish I could have them back and the truth is yes, I wish I could have those moments back but I suppose what I am truly seeking is the creation of new moments. New moments from where we are now. We both must be different by now. Sure, triggers remain, old hurts never truly go away, they scar over and fade as best they can. I imagine though we are different. And I wonder, if we were to meet on the street would the spark between us still exist. With how I feel, and what I know to this day so many months later, I believe at least for me that the feeling would still shine through. Pictures help to keep the familiarity and comfort alive and I smile each time, even in some of my lowest points I found comfort in images that captured the soul and the beauty of another. The smile and what I know underneath all of the most hidden intimate parts.

I miss the privilege it was to be with someone who embodied a true understanding of life even after having been through so much that could have turned the worldview ugly. My ugly was met with compassion and empathy and I was seen. Of course, at the time I could not see what I had and I did what I did best and I pushed and pushed until there was no other choice but to self-preserve and stop tolerating my choices. A void is left where so much hope used to reside. My mind and spirit hold so much of what we had and it hugs me gently when I need to feel that comfort. When things get hard, I still seek that embrace. Forever grateful for my dreams, for in my dreams anything is possible.