Enmeshment

For the last few months, I have been shifting in how I see my relationship with my family. In particular my mother but in general I am really trying to work through some of the feelings I have about my family system. As a result, I have slowly but surely distanced myself from her/them and I had really thought for some time that it was related to avoidance but what I am starting to realize is that it is more about me developing boundaries around what I will and will not tolerate. This is not a perfect science for me as I have struggled my whole life with setting and maintaining boundaries especially with my mother.

If I had to describe my family system, I would describe it as being enmeshed. It is a system that is defined by how my parents see themselves based on their children’s successes. It is a shame-based system that if we are not abiding by the rules, we are not adhering to their expectations and therefore that causes conflict within the system. I feel like lately there is always conflict in the system and that has begun because I have chosen to distance myself. I have chosen to have less contact because it isn’t suiting me anymore. In fact, it hurts more than it helps and that has been really hard for me to reconcile. My relationship with my mom was great for so long but as I reflect back it was good because I was doing what I was “supposed” to be doing. The moment that, that stopped the dynamic shifted.

This past weekend, my mom was distant, and aloof and my guess based on something she shared with my oldest daughter is that she feels like our relationship is suffering and that she isn’t valued or loved the same way she once was. And while that saddens me, that is also very true. My mom sets conditions to her love and how she offers it, and I have learned through countless hours of therapy as well as recent events in my life that love is not conditional. Love is an offering of yourself without conditions with the knowledge that in offering love you can get seriously hurt or disappointed. Hurt and disappointment doesn’t end love sometimes it strengthens it other times it helps us readjust and set boundaries for ourselves without withdrawing the love. When you start to expect performance from those you claim to love to be willing to offer yourself that is when things are no longer healthy for anyone.

I overheard my mom and my sister communicating about a situation that involved my 5-year-old niece. My sister was sharing that my niece no longer likes temporary tattoos. She has heard from my mother over and over how tattoos are “bad” and so my niece, to please her Noni, won’t use them anymore. Some may say this is cute, but I see it as ridiculous and shameful. The conversation escalated to my mom sharing her dislike of tattoos and finally and here is the kicker saying this famous line “Anyone who listens to me is in the will, anyone who doesn’t has already been removed.” First off, I don’t give a shit whether I am in the will or not and second of all if who I am is measured by the fact that I love tattoos and not who I am as a person then I want no part of that. So, after that interaction, I was left feeling like sooner than later I need to address this situation with her, or it is going to destroy any good that is left of our relationship. My children are hearing and watching these things happen and they love me and my tattoos and while I don’t want my kids having tattoos till, they are of legal age, they will always be supported, and I will never stop loving them as a result.

I wonder if I will ever be able to see myself as a whole person. Someone who is worth loving, for who I am rather than what others want me to be. I know that I am not perfect, far from actually but I am so exhausted from shaming myself for everything that I do. My greatest fear is that I will live in shame always and that would be such a waste of my life.

When I look at my siblings and how firmly planted, they are in not doing anything to rock the boat I wonder what they think of me. It doesn’t stop me from doing things, but I wonder what they think of me, and there is that shame again. There are things that I struggle to do because of fear of what my parents will say but I mostly do things that I want like get tattoos and once those things are done, I vacillate between self-love and self-hate. And then it creates disordered thinking and so much incongruence that I don’t think I am believable anymore. I swear I believe my position that I don’t care about what they think but in reality, there is so much enmeshment even now that it’s a hard stop from me moving towards the things that I need versus what they need. Which means that I don’t stand up for myself and I continue to perpetuate the cycle. I ultimately take any chance of happiness off the table with this thinking.

Taking away my primary, enmeshment, attachment figure is taking away the only thing that has felt safe even when it has been dangerous for me. As long as I did what she wanted, she would love me. As I have shifted away from her the more and more, I feel out of control, and it has truly been unbearable. I want to reach for her and for her to catch my fall, for her to accept me tattoos and all. Imperfections and all, and for her to love me because I am her daughter not because I perform for her. I want to feel good about myself and I know that it requires me to work through my feelings, my false narratives, my disease of perception. I need to be able to confront her once and for all regardless of whether she validates me or my experience of her. And regardless of whether she loves me unconditionally or not. I need to release years of her shit in order to set myself free.

I titled this blog the Untethered Attachment with the presumption that out of the chaos I would create healthy attachments. That I would destroy the codependence, the enmeshment, the toxicity, the tethering, anything that wasn’t serving my life anymore. Without confronting the source of my pain, my trauma, my anguish, I don’t know that I can truly heal. I know that I run the risk that her response to me could make things worse, that being invalidated, gaslight, likely manipulated will make me feel more shame and guilt but it’s the only thing I haven’t done to facilitate my healing process. It’s time to stop the insanity and while I run the risk of losing her, the risk of losing myself for good is far greater.