Everyday I am evolving

It’s a beautiful day out today. A little chilly but a nice sunny day. I realized after last week that I really need to be in a place where sun is the predominant weather forecast. The warmth, the vibrance of the sun, makes me feel complete. I never realized how affected I am by the weather and as of late I have realized that I owe it to myself to do more of what I enjoy and be in places that uplift my spirit. We only have one shot at this life and I have spent so much of it not tending to my spiritual and emotional needs. Money and things are great but they don’t actually matter if they drain your life force making and getting them.

It's funny the things we begin to appreciate the older we get and the more lessons we learn. The idea that I once had of a happy, successful life is distinctly different than what I now see it to be. What’s more, is that I no longer see it as something that is structured and concise but rather something that is ever evolving and constantly changing. Rigidity breeds unhappiness and the more that I remind myself of that, the more welcoming I am to the grey area that life has a tendency to bring.

I spent most of my therapy last week talking about feeling “stuck” I never really understood how you could be moving throughout life day to day and yet feel stuck at the same time. And yet stuck is where I have been for what feels like an eternity. I do my best to reframe that this “stuck” feeling that I am experiencing is really grief and that it will take time to feel better but I couldn’t help but wonder if this is more than grief. I spent so much time intellectualizing it is no wonder I am even asking this question. If I can spend my free time thinking about all the reasons why, eventually won’t I find an answer? That is still to be determined.

My kids are away this week. They are off having fun but I can’t help missing them. I know a lot of parents get excited during summer camp months and back to school months when their kids are no longer around 24/7 but I am not one of those parents. I deeply enjoy our morning snuggles, the hustle and bustle of the day-to-day routine and most importantly the opportunity to connect with them as much as possible. They are both growing up so quickly that before I know it, they will be off doing their own thing in the world and I hope that as one of their parents I have done the best I could. Time will tell but fingers crossed that I don’t/didn’t fuck them up too much. It has only been in the last two and half years that I have changed myself towards them in the ways that our more consistently healthy.

As I have mentioned I am reading a lot. I am always reading and immersing myself in things that keep me focused and out of my head. I realized this morning that the focus on the words is there but being in my head is unavoidable. Everything I have read can be related back to my childhood, to my past relationships, to a better understanding of myself and others and so in my quest for knowledge my brain is constantly working to seek out answers to all of my issues. The hard part is knowing what will stick for my own use and what can be utilized in the counseling room. In therapy, I talk a lot about “in theory” practices. I have learned a lot the last months about relationships, how I show up in them, how often I have let my triggers dictate them, and how much I prioritized my comfort levels to sustain them. I have done a deep dive into myself that has yielded an at times, selfish, self-centered, asshole who ensures their comfort over that of others to ensure that I don’t feel less than. I have a much deeper understanding of myself in relation to others but above all else what I have learned most is that anger doesn’t suite me. Anger was what kept me from living. The need I had, the demand I had in fact for the people around me to make me feel better about myself when in reality that job was always mine. It was never for my partners, family, or kids to make me feel worthy or loved. It was my job to love me so that I could show up in the ways that those that showed up for me deserved.

I have worked my ass off to ensure that I show up for my kids in ways that my parents could not show up for me. I say could not because they could not show up for my in the ways that I needed because they themselves did not have the capacity to. They didn’t learn how to be parents from loving resources. They learned to love with an iron fist, through material things, and in both of their cases emotional and physical abuse. While I can have compassion and understanding for what they did not know, what I will likely struggle with forever is their inability to not acknowledge the patterns. I am careful when I say this because if it hadn’t been for the last two and half years, I myself may not have known that either. I too ruled with an iron fist from a deep place of control and I know that I caused damage and that I will have to spend the rest of my life repairing those earlier impressionable years’ worth of chaos I unleashed. A task I am prepared to never give up on.

I know that this journey is one that will last a life-time. It is something that can never be stopped. There is no end date, no point where things are exactly where they need to be. In many ways, this healing journey is like an addict’s journey with addiction. It is one where I can never take the eye off the prize because if I do, a relapse is likely to happen. I value my “sobriety” more than anything in this world. It is the hardest thing outside of raising children that I will ever do.