Expectations

Disappointments are a natural part of life and as long as we are aware of the potential for disappointment then we should always be able to work through them as they present themselves. So, what happens when you have unrealistic expectations? Does it make it harder to deal with those disappointments? I woke up today wondering about my expectations of myself, my relationships, my family, friends, all of it, and I am wondering if life’s complexities have been as a result of my own unrealistic expectations. My desire to feel "more than" then I have ever felt.

I am really trying to not be so hard on myself these days. I am trying to show myself some grace but at times I have to be brutally honest with myself or I fear that I will stunt my growth. That I will not allow myself to continue to do the work that I have been so feverishly doing to release some of the belief systems that have reached their expiration but that I still feel tethered too.

Having expectations of how you want to be cared for is important. I think people get frustrated when they are unable to express how they want to be loved and supported because they expect the people around them to “know” what they need rather than express it. I also believe that the longer you know someone the more you expect them to “know” how to care for you. You set an unreasonable expectation of people which ends up being a recipe for disaster. In doing that we don’t take account of our ever-changing selves. I mean I know I am not the same person I was a year ago let alone five years ago. So how can I expect anyone to meet my needs when I often don’t even know what they are. That line right there is essentially the issue. Not knowing what our needs are leaves us feeling under supported, unloved, unheard, and frustrated.

We get mad at the outside world for letting us down but in reality, the only person who has let us down is ourselves. I consistently expect too much from myself. I often struggle to meet my own expectations and so I live in the land of guilt and shame which perpetuates those feelings of “not good enough” because if I can’t even meet my own expectations then how the hell do I expect anyone else too. But the truth is that even when I don’t know what my own needs are, I expect everyone around me to know what they are. Sit with that for a while… I did.

I expect people to understand what I am trying to communicate at all times, no exceptions. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong! People aren’t mind readers and what I have learned recently is that people don’t often hear what you are really trying to say. Why? Aren’t I being clear? Sadly, just because my mouth is creating sounds that sound like words, doesn’t mean that I am being clear. Communication doesn’t amount to much either if I don’t take the time to understand the other person's perspective or if I expect too always be right. That mentality shuts shit down really fast and stunts any possibility for healthy interactions.

What I am learning is to first own my expectations as they are and then acknowledge that I can’t expect everyone around me to adhere to every single one. Everyone has their own way of doing things and my way isn’t always right. While it’s critically important to understand people, it’s just not possible for your those closest to you to always understand your feelings. To expect them to always know what you are thinking and feeling, is unrealistic and often ends up in significant unhappiness and blame. Expressing ourselves clearly, and letting our people know how we feel about something, especially if it’s important to us is critically important. Staying in acknowledgement that our friends, partners, family are not the same person as you, and they will not automatically know how you feel without you expressing yourself to them. I am starting to understand that the key to happy, healthy relationships is to have good communication and that is something that I know I am working really hard at. I am learning to be more open, say what I mean, and mean what I say as well as working hard at not expecting those closest to me to read my mind. To stop manipulating myself into believing that everyone is wrong, to stop making myself a victim.