Final Call

There comes a time when moving on is all you need to be able to take the next steps forward. I realized today that I have been waiting for something to happen that won't happen unless I actualize it. There is no such thing as fantasy. There is no night in shining armor. I suppose I had some level of naiveté that I wasn't willing to acknowledge. Some part of me that had hoped that something would come of "this" and the reality is that "this" was never anything more than the largest, manipulative, mind fuck of my life. It was never really going to be me and that part I truly came to terms with so many months ago but what I hadn't banked on was that it was all a lie that was constructed to point the finger at me being the monster. The criminal. The only one doing the mind fucking. I know better now, I know that I wasn't alone in the chaos that was created.

Ten months changes a lot. It changes how people feel, how they see you. So much growth and change has happened in these last ten months and yet today I have the heaviest of hearts. I didn't know what it would be like for me when I finally knew. She has moved on. A smile is worth a thousand words. I am grateful for all the lessons that I have learned as a result of this experience. I have shamed myself so much for not being truly ready to move on. To not have moved myself forward in the land of love and partnership. I suppose that I should have known that this day would come when I realized that I have prevented myself from being truly happy. From embracing, accepting, and welcoming love. Love has always been around me. It never left, I just didn't want to see it. I had truly believed that I could not have been so wrong. That I didn't change my life for nothing. It was not for nothing. It was the greatest shake up of my life and without it I would not have been here. In a space, where I am loved, valued, and cared for. Where I love, value, and care for myself in a way I didn't imagine possible.

I wish her well on this journey. I wish her happiness and love. And above all else, I wish her peace. Life has brought upon so many challenges and difficulties that the only thing I could wish upon someone I cared for deeply is true happiness and acceptance for herself. Love can be so beautiful when shared with the right person. It has so many healing qualities that when shared with the person you choose it feels wholesome and pure. That kind of love isn't easily accessed but when it comes your way all you can do is embrace it. I am grateful for the experiences I have had. They have taught me so much that I could likely write a book. I have no intention of writing a book ever but I do hope that one day I can recount my life among my friends and family and see how truly beautiful even the most painful of experiences have been. Out of the dark comes the light. Out of the sadness comes happiness.

Today I vow to reconnect with myself in ways I have not allowed myself for ten months. I have protected myself, my body, my heart. Put a fence around my energy. All because I knew that without dedicating this time to solitude, to learning what being alone was like I would never truly be prepared for love, for partnership, I would not have learned anything. I would have repeated a pattern. I want so deeply to move forward with my life. To feel what it is like to be desired again. To feel what it is like to feel passion. I gave someone credit for reigniting passion in me when in reality that passion was always in me. I was always passionate, I had just lost my way. I had never really known what I was capable of. It has been so long that I worry I won't know what to do. That I won't allow myself to be free. And yet, right now I feel caged looking to be free. And free, I will be. I suppose the stages of grief help people to reinforce the things they know but are unwilling to accept. They keep us living in a bubble. I suppose the bubble I chose to live in has led me here. Would she even recognize me? See the healed parts? Or was the end of our soul contract the completion of our knowing? Will our souls meet again? I don't know.

We are strangers once again. If I am being honest it is an odd feeling. To have known someone so intimately and now to be such complete strangers as if it never was. Maybe it truly never was. Maybe it was never about the destination rather it was about the journey. And man what a journey it has been. I have said many times before that I wouldn't be writing in this format and today I believe will be the last one for me. And if I ever come back, it will be with a whole new look and whole new intended purpose. I have nothing else left to say right now.