Flow of thoughts

The day is finally over. I must say there are some benefits to working early in the morning before most people are awake. What I get accomplished before 7a on most days is surprising even to me sometimes. I don’t think I am a morning person by choice but if I am going to be up, I am going to make sure that I am productive. I didn’t get up today for my normal Tuesday morning shift, so I felt a little off all day. So, I am lying in bed after tucking the humans in their beds and I am seeing where I go from here.

The thoughts in my head are swirling around and I am not sure what to do with them all. Some are just basic thoughts, like what am I going to do about food for tomorrow and wondering how my morning will go with the little one. I am watching this show on Netflix called Sex/Life. I’d heard about it either on social media or just by my surfing the various stations for something to watch. Anyway, it is intense for only being two episodes in. Lots of sex, some attachment stuff, motherhood, and being a stepford wife while really wanting to unleash her wild. It has me thinking about sex, my relationship with it, and how I feel about it now.

I don’t think that I had a healthy relationship with sex for most of my active sex life. I romanticized what sex could be after my initial experience at an age I don’t even want to admit but after that time, sex was nothing more than a means to an end. It was the opportunity to feel good about myself, to feel desired, wanted, to get off and then go about my day. It didn’t hold much in terms of significance. I have a different view of it now and as I sit here watching this show and thinking about my past. I wish that I had, had a better relationship with myself all those times that I allowed myself to engage in meaningless sex. That I had valued myself more. I know that I can’t go back, nor do I want to, but I want to acknowledge that the more open I became with myself the more I realized the level of intimacy I could reach.

I never knew much about my body before now. Sure, I had become acquainted with it on my own but now I have a deeper understanding of my wants and desires so much so that I could never be that girl who allowed herself to be accessible in the ways that I did for so many years. I don’t really think that many people get the opportunity to know themselves in this way. I think we get caught up in all the social stigma that comes along with sex. We know we have it, but we aren’t comfortable talking about it. As we get older it becomes even more uncomfortable because we struggle having those difficult conversations about what still works and what doesn’t, so it is amazing to me to have learned more about myself recently then I did the first half of my life.

I think about intimacy and how intense it can be when you allow yourself to relax and be one with yourself. When you are fully present and connected. When you are not solely focusing on the outcome but rather focusing on the moment you are in. Is that something most people experience? I can’t answer that but what I can answer is how very amazing it can be when you give yourself over to it rather than closing yourself off to it.

So, my head is here today. Perhaps it’s the show, perhaps it’s a longing, a desire that is burning within me for the return of that level of intimacy. I am not sure, but I am here sharing it. I mean I think anyone reading this deserves to hear it all not just some condensed version of me that only talks about heartbreak and loss. I am so much more than just that. And right now, I am thinking about intimacy and the relationship that I have had with it, and I imagine so many others have. The one where you exist in this life and never experience anything profound or the one where you allow yourself to be vulnerable in ways you never imagined and then one day it clicks, and you get a taste of the delicious nectar, and you realize you have been missing something so deeply rooted within you your whole life. Sex, intimacy, is not something to be afraid of but rather to embrace and open yourself up to.

I don’t know what the future holds but today I received a book on revival and courage. It’s a beautiful book, with the prettiest pastel colors on the jacket. I look forward to reading it. Tonight, I am writing about sex and intimacy. I won’t ever settle for anything that doesn’t make me feel good. That doesn’t bring out the deepest parts of myself. It took me a lifetime to access those parts of myself and I will never put them away again. If I had never experienced it, I wouldn’t have known, now that I know, I can’t ever go back.