Goodbyes are hard, change is hard, everything is hard.

An ex of mine from another lifetime taught me that goodbyes are forever and ever since then I have been mindful of not using the word goodbye when leaving someone I love. I know that may sound silly, but goodbye has a powerful tone to it and with life being so fragile and ever changing, I feel like we need to do anything we can to preserve the idea that we will see someone again. I said see you soon to a man that has been very kind to me since we met. A man who I may likely not ever see again because he has been battling cancer for over 10 years and it’s taking a toll on him now more than it ever was. He is much slower, more tired, and struggles to do the things he once was able to do with limited difficulty. Cancer will likely take him before I get to see him again.

Time is going too quickly. Things are not slowing down and that is a very scary concept to navigate. This time off from “life” was needed and in many ways helped me reconcile some things that were difficult for me to accept but it went too fast. I cherished the time that I had with my kids. I couldn’t have asked for more precious time to reconnect with them to have a little bit of normalcy back. But that time has ended and a return to reality is awaiting. I have slept next to my little girl for a week, and I have been in pure bliss. Listening to her, feeling her, soaking up her warmth and her light. I mean I’ll be honest, I never thought I would allow a kid in bed with me. I was raised that children don’t sleep in bed with you that they don’t come in between you and a partner no matter what and in so many ways my little girl changed that belief system. Perhaps that was my first misstep, not prioritizing my partnership because I wanted so desperately to be the best mother. I wanted to be something different than I was raised with. The dynamic of my entire stance on parenting and what was supposed to happen and what actually did happen were in such conflict with each other. I suppose that explains the constant war I am at with myself, but I wouldn’t trade these moments with her for the world. I would rather retract my judgmental stance and statements then trade my time with her.

Regardless of my viewpoints now, I have had to radically accept that life is different for my children than I ever imagined and while that has been very difficult to accept it is the truth. Does it mean I am not the best mother? I think in some ways it does mean that because my girls are not getting a whole woman. They are getting the left-over shrapnel after a long week; they are getting the remanence of a woman who devotes herself to the outside world and they get the leftovers. I need to make immediate changes because my time on this earth is limited and my time on earth with my kids “wanting” to spend time with me is even more limited. My teenager is already showing signs of wanting to spend time with her friends and I am grateful for that because I want her to have friends and experiences and fulfillment, but I am regretful of so much time wasted. I wasted a lot of precious time with her. I spent a long time being an authoritarian figure in her life that I missed moments that would have mattered more than any shift in her behavior would have. I can’t travel back but I can make the most of the moments that we have now. I can cherish those moments a whole lot differently.

I have spent a long time being afraid of this new life and what it means but what I haven’t really acknowledged is the positives that have come out of it. I can argue that not many positives have come of it since I feel like I am grieving more than I am seeing beauty in things these days but perhaps that is the lesson, that there can be grief and beauty all wrapped up into one experience. That my kids can have a new life, one that wasn’t in the cards initially but that they are thriving in regardless. Can I look at life through rose colored glasses versus the doom and gloom that I tend to gravitate towards? My hope is yes. I won’t pretend that this is easy, the change, the tough conversations, the fact that my soon to be four year old highlights all the changes in her world on a regular basis. But I am here, and I am healthy, and I am doing the best that I can.

Perhaps I have not been irresponsible in the way that I love them. I know that I can’t say that in any other areas of my life. My irresponsibility in love has been tremendous and I wonder if I will ever have the opportunity to repair that. At present, I don’t think that I will. How do I ensure that I don’t make the same choices in the future is essential. I am feeling very cynical these days and as I assimilate into real life this profound loneliness is starting to consume me and that is when I get in trouble. When I get lonely is when I behave entitled and selfish and when I make my most irresponsible decisions because my “want” supersedes the needs of other. This time I must do things differently. If I believe that life is fragile as I stated above, then I need to take a page from Kelli’s book and take life by the balls and do something to change the current state of things. Nothing is going to get better by me sitting idly by waiting for someone to rescue me. It’s time that I rescue myself. That is the best way for me to be responsible to others. To prioritize finding a level of happiness that allows the people around me access to a more healed version of me.

If I am being honest, I am not sure what steps I will take but I know it will include some serious attention to my self-care. I need to get this body moving, doing things other than sitting, watching TV, and reading. Maybe, I’ll join a gym or finally go get a pair of running shoes and start running again. I need to do something to change the current status of my life. I am living in the outcome of my choices and that is reality at present but what I do from here will determine the level of fulfilment and the level of happiness I am able to achieve. My kids deserve that, I deserve that, and the people watching me on this excruciating cycle of self-loathing, and constant complaining without action deserve it. I am sorry to those that have had to watch me act like an incapable toddler with no control over her own life. I know that I let you down and above all else let myself down. Crawling out of this mess will be much harder than if I had been willing to stand in my truth and just live. To be continued….