Healing the broken parts of us

I had a tremendous number of thoughts the moment I woke up this morning. It was a flooding really and I wish that I had written them down because now they are gone. It is amazing to me how much information our brains have the potential to hold until you need it and then recalling something that came so naturally to you is as difficult as solving the most complex math equation. I suppose if I really get technical, we are the most complex math equation and solving the mysteries that make up who we are is our life’s mission. It is our duty to always be the best version of ourselves. And that is what I aspire to do the moment that I wake up in the morning. I had a rough patch for a while and somewhat on the outside of that, I am realizing how detached I was, one person who shared their experience of me in a professional setting described me as being absent. A fair and accurate assessment. I had been absent from my own life, and everyone was noticing but me. As I continue to evolve in this new place, my presence, my humanity, everything that makes me, me is coming to life. Sure, there are days that I don’t want to get out of bed, but for the most part I feel a new appreciation for life. Life has so many possibilities and I am interested in exploring those.

Over the last few months, I have taken to this blog as an opportunity to communicate. As I have shared, my communication tool was developed to help me process my thoughts in the moment and as an indirect way of communicating with someone that I am not currently communicating with. During my session yesterday, and in talking to my best friend, I realized that I have been engaging in somewhat immature behavior and I need to check myself. I need to sort out what level of behavior I want to put out into the world. Are we so far gone? So far removed from healthy communication that this is the only safe means we have to get out there all of our pain and hurt? As I thought about this more and more, I realized that we keep circling the drain of pain and hurt and it is showing in our indirect communications. Facebook posts, blog posts, all of it a passive aggressive way of saying I am hurting, and I miss you and it’s your fault we aren’t in a different place. And while that is all true, isn’t it time to do something different? So, this morning I woke up thinking about what my needs are and what I would be comfortable with and what I would like to see happen as a first step.

My commitment to self is to show up in all my interactions, in love, authentically and in full integrity. To offer warmth, a listening ear, and a tender heart. I want so much to take the steps towards healing. Outcome is not as important as focusing on creating space to allow healing to begin. I spent so much time focusing on outcome, that if I did and said certain things that they would happen and as we have seen that didn’t work out so much. My approach was not healthy, it was not fair, and above all else it was not who I desire to be in this life. Certainly not with the people that I love. I have been thinking about appearance and outward presentation. Those things that people see the moment they meet you and I thought about how superficial that is. That when all you allow people to see is the outward stuff, they often don’t get to see what’s truly inside of your heart and mind. I am looking to be seen from the inside out from now on. And that is how I will show up always. If I look good on the outside but my energy is toxic and unhealthy no one deserves to be around that.

Anyone who loves me has seen me at my absolute worst this last year and a half. I have been a version of myself that upon serious reflection, I am blessed to have my small group of people surrounding me in love. I have been dark, angry, rageful, blaming and self-serving and the more work I do and the more I heal my trauma the further away from that I get. I am so grateful to be alive, to be on the healing journey and to be able to share this side of me. You have seen me at my absolute worst. You have seen the ugliest parts of me, the most insane sides of me, the reactivity, all my demons. There is no stone unturned, nothing to hide.

The biggest lessons learned, and my greatest take away from my session this week is that relationships aren’t a safe space that we enter into. Each person brings their own emotional baggage, their trauma, their heartbreak. Relationships are safe spaces that we form, that we create with our partner one interaction at a time. It is a mutual exchange of energy where each partner feels loved and where they feel safe to heal. Human nature is to be wired with a ton of emotions, what I have been working on for months is controlling my feelings, developing strategies that allow me to understand where my reactivity comes from and how to tame that. If my ego is activated then I will never be able to respond from my soul, with love and compassion. That is my goal, that is where I will forever hold myself accountable. I will come to you with warmth, love, and compassion because above all else, I believe deeply in the positivity of the intention and that means everything to me.