Hearts stay broken

I have been studying trauma for what feels like a lifetime but what really equates to about a year and a half. I have books, tons of books, on trauma. I just got an addition in the mail yesterday called It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn. I have explored trauma, its effects, its impact on me, my partnerships, my family system, and I have a lifetime of research left to do on this topic because of how pervasive it is in not only myself but my clients. My clients deserve me to know everything there is to know to support them and guide them the best way that I can. My partnership deserves that I heal to create room for love. But tonight, I can’t help but focus on grief and the process around it and I need to know the inner workings of it so that I can better understand.

It’s late, my day is finally over, and I have a few moments to myself while my children are off doing their own thing. Monday and Tuesday I have the privilege to see clients from home. I come home from my primary job, and I change out of the stench that only that job produces, and I get ready to receive my clients. Covid changed this for me as I used to see clients in person on these days, so I am blessed to continue to have this opportunity. So, if you knew me a year and a half ago, what I am about to reveal would surprise you but here goes. I enjoy my telehealth days for one primary reason, I get to strip myself of all unnecessary apparel and just be comfortable. Today was a t-shit and sweats, no bra, bare feet kind of day and it is bliss. The comfort it provides is something you will need to try in order to know just how liberating it is. Now I will confess that I usually put a tank underneath to keep the girls somewhat at bay, you never know when the temperature may pique their curiosity but today, I decided against it. And today I not only got comfortable at home but went to pick up my kid from school and to the grocery store in all of my comfort, not giving a shit what the world may say about my 41-year-old boobs uncontained for all to see.

What does this have to do with grief and broken hearts you may wonder, and the answer is everything. Much of this transformation took place over the last year and a half and today I am deeply immersed in my feelings and those feeling are entirely around my grief and my broken heart. What I realized is that no matter how much I will my heart to heal and to mend it can’t and more importantly it won’t. Grief is not linear nor is there a prescription that can be written that will ease the effects of grief. I am sure that you have heard of the butterfly effect. The idea that a small thing can have a non-linear impact on a complex system. So, imagine an infant cracking glass with its cry. The possibility that an infant’s cry could break glass is highly improbable. The point I believe about the butterfly effect and its correlation to grief is that it is not a linear thing and that its impact on the bigger system (ourselves) is far more complex than we may want and cannot be removed no matter how hard we may try. And so, we have to accept that loss of any kind causes a broken heart and that no matter how much time passes our hearts don’t truly mend.

I have spent more time than I care to share negotiating with God. Praying to him, pleading in fact, for a miracle. One that resets time, take me to the moments I made choices I prefer to erase and give me the opportunity to correct. As we know, that is not possible. I have questioned my faith, my belief in this higher being because how could a good wholesome God let this happen to me. Well, the truth is HE didn’t do this to me, I did and so I quickly hold myself accountable and return to my grief feeling empty handed. I have an apology to make here. I am sorry for ever minimizing anyone’s grief. The worst loss is always yours. No matter what anyone says, your loss is always the worst. What prompted this entire thought process tonight was the fact that where we go wrong in our relationships both intimate and friendships where there is a shared loss, is in our judgement of how the other person grieves. This judgement is what causes the divorces, breakups, the collapse of lifelong friendships.

I can’t begin to tell you how much this is ruminating through my head tonight. We ruin incredible things when we believe that how we grieve our shared experience is more profound than theirs. Grief is not linear, nor is how we grieve. What works for one partner may not work for the other. One partner may be able to function day to day while the other may not be able to get out of bed. That doesn’t mean that the partner functioning isn’t grieving enough or at all. It just means that each of them has chosen to grieve in a manner that works for them. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. What is important for each partner to do is to figure out what works for them, recognize and acknowledge their partners style or method and then find the commonalities among them.

And the most important piece that I will admit that I have failed to do is maintain connection during all of it. That is the key. Daily attunement, letting your partner, friend, or family member know that you are there, that you care, that you are listening, and that they are ok. That you are both ok. In grief it is easy to become defensive and egocentric, I myself have done this to those that I love most. I needed to do a better job of managing my own discomfort and allowing theirs.