Heavy thoughts, calm heart.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time”- Maya Angelou

What a profound statement, right? Yes, it certainly is and yet it somehow absolves others of their own accountability. I read this today and it sat with me so I figured I would process what was coming up for me. Right or wrong, people show up in circumstances based on their current mental and emotional state. I’ve seen the worst in people, I’ve seen the best in people. I have seen the best in me and the worst in me. I have been so many versions of myself and when I look back at all of my experiences with the people I have loved and who have loved me we have each showed up in our good and in our ugly and yet when things end people can’t help but place blame on the other person.

Someone once told me one of my biggest issues was humility. That I didn’t have any. I couldn’t apologize or take accountability. That I wasn’t responsible to the people I was claiming to love. Those things were all true. They could’ve avoided throwing stones since I wasn’t the only one in the land of dysfunction but that is neither here nor there. I couldn’t hear that feedback then and I imagine they couldn’t either. Those words however long ago remain ever present in my mind. Therefore, my commitment to self and other, show humility, apologize when you are wrong, and accept feedback as what it is an opportunity to grow, to have intimacy with your partner, friend, or family member and more important, don’t invalidate the experience of another.

I started and finished watching the show Uncoupled on Netflix. It had Neil Patrick Harris and it was truly a great show. It was reflective of a lot of the last few years of my life. Even in how his Character develops, you can say that the one character Michael truly represents me and others in my life very well. The show is about being left after a long-term relationship. Much of the 8 episodes he is seeking the “Why” behind the ending of the relationship. His partner of 17 years basically packs his stuff and just leaves him. No response, no reason. Just leaves. He spends most of that time wondering, searching, and ultimately never really knows why he left him. The last episode him and Collin finally speak and he feels resolved and at peace with the fact that his partner didn’t leave him because of "him" but because of his partners own internal struggle. Michael feels closure. He got the goodbye he needed and he felt able to move on. I won’t share the plot twist but it had me thinking. Goodbye’s do matter. Being left to wonder why someone left is a hard circle to square. I know it broke my heart. I know they "why" in theory and I can make my own assumptions about why the person chose to leave the way they did but why not say goodbye. I will never truly know. I will be left to wonder and yet even with that I have been able to move forward.

I moved forward to save myself. To show up for myself differently. And there are so many parts of me that have not moved on. Parts that still remain touched by the memory of a ghost but the more and more I come into my own, and develop a sense of self that is trusting and open. That values vulnerability, intimacy, and communication above all else the more and more I realize how important that sadness and devastation were to me finally choosing to live rather than survive in my trauma and my triggers. The feelings of not good enough have lessened over time. I am stronger and stronger every day. Taking note of how beautiful the world is around me even if the outcome isn’t quite what I had expected. I am less rigid, more open, and I want more than anything to be present for everything I can. I want to experience life and all it has to offer with and without my children. With and without family and friends. Life can be enjoyed with others and alone and that is a concept I never knew was possible until now. I have a whole new set of worries and they are more centered around my career and finding a balance. They are centered around my health as I embark on an upcoming procedure that can or cannot yield a life changing result. All of it I have to take one moment at a time. They are centered around my children who are both in transitions in their lives causing them their own sets of emotions and dysregulations and I am learning how to show up for them both and be there to hold space for their needs. Life has been so hard and complicated for so long and now that things have settled and the storm in me is calmed, I feel strong again. Capable. Enough.

As I write this having just uttered the words capable and enough. I can’t avoid sharing with you that my anxiety is through the roof. Jaw clenching, foggy brain, chest a bit tight, anxiety. I am not free of it. It still resides in me in deep ways and in ways that deeply affect how I feel from day to day. Whether it be upcoming commitments, long work day, good, bad, and indifferent it affects me. I am doing the best that I can to reduce those symptoms by incorporating healthy practices. I am mindful of what these feelings can unleash when unattended and I am aware that this is likely what I will experience the rest of my life. With that, I bid adieu until next time and hope that in time these heavy burdens, the heavy feelings that I feel at times when I least expect them or as a result of watching a little TV will lesson and I will feel content in what I had the opportunity to experience versus lost in the not knowing.