Hold My Hand

Today has NOT been the best of days. My mood is unpleasant, my patience short, and I am swirling deep in thought. The older I get it seems that my monthly companion, fluctuates my mood more than ever and this month it seems to be worse than before. I am grumpy and sad and tired. I woke up today five minutes before my alarm to the sound of the smoke detector going off in my living room. I was disoriented, startled, and unsure of what was going on. Thankfully, it was a false alarm and I was ok. I suppose that is the theme of so much lately, despite the emotions, feelings, at times dysregulation, I am ok.

I had to force myself to do my typical self-care routine today. It took longer than normal and it was not a focused time, I was distracted. I work really hard to keep my routine consistent and distraction free but due to session times and the free time I ended up having, I was not focused. I got through it but I wouldn’t say it had the intended effects I had been searching for. I crave my self-care time. It is truly a time that I am able to focus on me, listen to music, and wander into my thoughts. Some of my best thinking happens during that time and then there are days where I feel I am being slapped in the face with life’s truths. Today was one of those days. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but I often still am and then I level up. Each time, I level up a little more. The hope is that one day I will reach my own personal nirvana but until then, thank you universe for reminding me that I am human and that things still sting a little extra at times and mostly when I least expect it.

My revelation Saturday during my therapy was that I am seeking wholeness. I am on a journey towards feeling a sense of inner peace that only can come from speaking my truth, living my truth and remaining in integrity. Martha Beck wrote a splendid book on integrity and after having taken my time to really read it, to absorb each word, I was able to recognize that most of my life has not been lived in integrity. I never really understood the true definition of integrity until I read this book. It clearly delineated for me the main components of it and that is acknowledging your truth, your whole truth and nothing but the truth. As basic a question as how was your day, can take you out of your integrity if you don’t answer it truthfully. So today, my mood sucks. And I am ok acknowledging that and being compassionate with myself because well without it I could fall apart. I suppose with the truth I could fall apart as well but that would hurt less.

Reading The Way to Integrity was much needed for me and has truly sent me into a line of thinking that has me in the struggle. My truth, the truth that I have sworn I would live by is one that I am not living daily. Some days I am still hiding behind beliefs and patterns that are outdated and don’t lead me to wholeness. They keep me from it in fact and as I shared with my therapist the other day. I seek only that. I seek to be one with myself rather than at war and if you relate to that you can understand that while most of my operators have changed, I am more regulated, more self-aware, more insightful, and able to communicate my needs, I am still struggling with who I was before all of this happened. Forgiveness is a thing I practice with myself daily but how can I let myself off the hook for all of it when in some ways I am in the outcome of it all. Perhaps, a problem for tomorrow but one that is vehemently staying planted at this time.

I don’t know what to do at times to sooth some of the pain. I read, I write, I use words to communicate and express myself, I work out, see my therapist faithfully and I know that will be a forever commitment. Don’t get me wrong there is joy, so much is changing in my life, but I can’t hide that there is a nagging feeling that travels with me day to day. It is a dull ache that something isn’t quite right. I have wondered if I was fooling myself that combining two work passions would make me happy. I wondered if staying here is the right choice for me. Is it another human being that I am missing? Maybe, I am meant to be a nomad and travel, work to support myself and enjoy the world. I am sitting outside writing this post before my client thinking how beautiful the noises of the wind are. How the rustling of the trees in their beautifully coordinated dance makes the most soothing sound. There is beauty all around me. All the time. Then why does the ache not go away?

That is what I seek, the answer to that most basic question. If I can see what I have, appreciate the people and the nature all around me, what am I missing? Maybe, I am not missing anything and perhaps the ache is nothing but the ghosts I have not cleared out of my system. The outdated patterns and beliefs that I have grown dependent on and have used to cope my whole natural life. Or perhaps I will discover that my path to wholeness, is sitting with the ache until it no longer burdens me. I see clarity, I am an answer seeker and I intend to sit with myself long enough to work through whatever it is that still needs healing and based on how I am feeling today, it isn’t just the hormones that are having me feel off. It is the truths that continue to be revealed both the ones I am uncovering and the ones that are being revealed to me.