How long will I love you, as long as stars are above you.

It’s cold and windy tonight. I have to be up early but I am not quite ready to go to sleep. I am lying in bed reflecting on my day and feeling a sense of relief about my future, my timelines, and what lies ahead. I have been taking CDB the last couple nights. I am still not well from having had Covid and sleep is so critical to healing and I struggle getting enough sleep as it is so CBD it is until things get better. There are some days that I wonder what life would be like if things had been different. I don’t imagine I would be writing a mediocre blog post at almost 9p on a Thursday night. I heard a song today at work that triggered some thinking I hadn’t really engaged in lately about love and loss and how different things become when you reach a certain age and your priorities become different. I think of myself 10-15 years ago and I can’t help thinking how different things were then. How different, I was then.

I used to spend a lot of time counting the days from last moments. The last time we saw one another, the last time, we touched, the last time we kissed and today as I reflected on the fact that January is almost over, I realized it’s been a month since we exchanged words, and two since we have been in one another’s presence. It makes me sad to acknowledge how much time has truly passed and to know that eventually I will forget the last time and I will no longer reflect on the elapsed time. I suppose time is relative depending on what you are doing. My dad has been sitting in the hospital for two weeks since he was readmitted and he is not feeling like time is moving along swiftly. In fact, he is miserable, counting the days till he can go home. He hasn’t showered in weeks, can’t go to the bathroom alone, and has not shown any improvement with his breathing. Doctors believe he will be on oxygen for the rest of his life. It’s deeply sad. I am counting my blessings to have been so fortunate to not have any major complications from Covid and that my children remained virtually unscathed.

“Just one hit of you, I knew I’ll never be the same.”

I heard that line from a song on our play list, one I added likely because it reminded me of her but one that truly speaks the truth of how I feel. I listen to people all day long talk about their unhappy situations, the volatile dating world, the lack of candidates that make them feel invigorated to go back for more. So desperate to not feel so alone, that they will settle for whomever even if just for a simple hookup or to feel a warm body next to them every once in a while. I think back to the girl from 10-15 years ago, I would likely have been that person I speak of. Now, I feel different. So different, that I don’t imagine that I will ever be the same. Is it realistic to believe that I will not ever feel the way I did with her? Based on how I am feeling, no I likely will not. I had spent so much time feeling desperate. I did and said so many things to hold on for dear life. It was never mine to hold on to. I didn’t trust our relationship and I wanted nothing more than to keep it but it was never mine to keep.

I have been reading a lot lately. I’ve been reading a book dedicated to helping people restore trust in their relationships. The author claims the biggest mistake we make after a betrayal is holding on to the anger the betrayal caused. When we are betrayed, we get hurt so deeply that often times all we want to do is hurt them back. All we do by going down that road is ruining the one relationship we may want when our pain and anger settles. I have found this book so very enlightening. It has helped me to understand the perspective of my partner and also validated that there were things I was seeking as the betrayer that were not what I had thought they were. Gross manipulations, a dismissal of another human beings’ feelings. They were part of the healing process. Reading has been a lifeline for me lately. It has helped me to understand things from a calm and open place that I had not been able to see from before. I have found a peace within me that I didn’t know even existed and while the loneliness can be a little much sometimes the desperation, I once felt no longer plagues me.

As I am watching the clock tick since I first began this post, my eyes are getting heavier and I am losing whatever motivation I had to write. I am tired and today I am feeling a little bit lonely. Some days I find are easier than others. I have come to accept that, that is a part of the process. Some days are easier than others and some days I miss her more than others. And I am ok with that reality. As I lay next to Otter, a part of me wishes that I wasn’t writing this blog and I wasn’t lying next to a stuffed animal, and I was lying next to her. In my dreams perhaps.