How sweet the smell....

It’s been a weekend of mixed feelings and emotions. I forget sometimes that I am still navigating sad and painful feelings and while life feels better overall there are still parts that don’t feel quite right. In all honesty, I am not sure what right actually represents. So often when I have thought something was right in my life I ended up being wrong. So I am truly trying to figure it all out. I had a tough session on Friday and while I absolutely thrive after these types of sessions it usually has me assessing and thinking a lot more than I care to. So here I am again trying to make sense of my life, my thoughts, all of it. This has become a platform for me to process my deepest thoughts. It's truly the most vulnerable place I can be and right now being able to be fully vulnerable is something I so desperately need.

As I laid in bed the other night, the thought of chemistry popped in to my mind. Chemistry is an important starting off point for relationships. I do believe that "chemistry" is subjective since of course everyone has their likes and dislikes and what someone may find attractive in a person someone else may not. The chemistry I speak of however, I believe to be much deeper than just that subjective report. It is a predetermined need within each of us and we look for it in our prospective partners. As I laid there contemplating this, I thought about the power of scent. A person’s sent is a critical component to developing chemistry between someone, at least for me. I know I have shared many times before how at times I have these flashbacks or moments that bring me back in time, scent is one of those triggers. It is a heightening of the senses that bring me back into the past. The moment is often short and sweet and may even evoke feelings of happiness and then immediately makes me sad.

Scent when combined well is an aphrodisiac. It starts with your specific body chemistry then your shampoo and conditioner, the hair products you then use to style your hair, the lotion, you use on your body, the cologne or perfume you use and even the smell of your breath. It is the combination of all of these things that makes someone out in the world aware of you. If you understand your own body chemistry you will likely be able to create a scent exclusive to you. The hope then is to find someone who is attracted to those smells, someone who is turned on by the chemistry of you body and that they will appreciate it in the ways you desire. Smell is very specific. With all the possible scents finding the right combination is not easy. So when you find your sweet spot, hold on to it, hold on to them.

I had the privilege of being exposed to the perfect scent in my recent lifetime. It was the perfect combination from head to toe of something that was so unique to this person. It was predictable and safe and best of all it was comforting. Always so comforting. I have been able to isolate specific aspects of that scent but it is never the same because it is not the individual components but rather the way they blend with the person. The person made that perfect combination because it accounted for all of their chemistry not just the self-care products bought at the store. Anyone can buy ingredients but it is what you do with them and how you put them to use that matters. I suppose it’s a metaphor for relationships. It isn’t just the physical chemistry that makes a relationship work but rather the individual pieces. Communication, trust, love, consistency, and so on. The things that really matter once you find someone who fits your chemistry.

Ever since I was pregnant my sense of smell was greatly affected. I had so many difficulties with smell. Smells that had once been familiar became scents I could no longer tolerate. It was straining on so many aspects of my life and relationships. It deeply affected how I showed up for people because it became a focal point and a distraction, one I could not avoid or it would end up with me over a toilet. After all that, I then found something that felt so perfect to me in so many ways and then once again I realized that I was wrong. Not about how the entire person affected my life and senses but mostly about what we could have been and aren't. Chemistry is part of it but not all of it, so the chemistry wasn’t enough. I want to shame myself right now for even continuing to even process through this but I won’t because that doesn't help me heal and doesn’t change how I felt. Processing this has been difficult and I imagine will remain difficult. It was a loss and loss is hard but I think that the significance of the loss to me is what makes it even more challenging. It was profound for so many of the reasons I have listed here for months and months. I can't just erase it, discard it as if it didn't happen or exist.

Holidays make me sadder than usual and while this holiday is to honor our fallen hero's. It is a holiday and it brings up strong feelings for me. The feelings lead to wonder, the wonder leads to thinking, the thinking leads to memories and so on and so forth. Time hasn’t erased those things and while I wish I could, I can’t. The hardest part at this point is the reality of how much time has passed, how much time continues to pass. Will this be my life? A place where I will always wonder? I really hope not. At this stage of the game, I have worked really hard to get to this point. It has been really hard and just when I think it is getting easier, I am brought back. Part of my healing was letting go of hope. Of resetting my expectations to align with what was actually happening in my life not some dream I had created in my head. I no longer have hope, that left me a long time ago but I do still have my memory and that at times betrays me and makes me deeply sad and utterly lost. And then I am reminded that I still need work and the healing continues. So right now, at a bit after midnight when I would like to be sleeping, I was thinking of the perfect human scent, the most well-orchestrated chemistry.