Humility Can Always Be Found

"Hello from the outside, At least I can say that I've tried, To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart. But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore"

After a couple month hiatus, I FINALLY went for a run today. I haven’t wanted to do anything physical lately. I have made the excuse that I was just tired all the time but perhaps it was a little more. Today, I packed my running clothes, and in between clients I went for a run. I don’t really know much about the area that I am in. It’s really an industrial park so I just ran around this general area and it was HOT. I am glad however that I got myself out on the run and I am hoping that tomorrow I will feel the motivation to be able to do a little more and so on. Taking care of myself has been something that I had really been committed too and the moment that stress took over I let my self-care fall to the wayside. Something I definitely need to be mindful of. I feel heavy. Not fat, emotionally and spiritually heavy. Time is moving at speeds I am not in favor of and the more time that goes by the more I realize how much my values and belief systems have changed. I don’t often realize that my healing is still fresh. It’s like a delicate flower that needs just the right amount of water and care if not, it will not survive. I don’t consider myself a delicate flower by any means and if you know me you will agree but I am still tender and feeling really vulnerable these days.

A deep sadness came over me the other day. Completely out of nowhere, I was not so gently reminded that life is very different than I ever imagined it to be. So much good has come of the healing journey that I have been on. I have learned so much and yet there remains a void not one that prevents me from living but one that doesn’t set me free from grief. I suppose that you are never set free from grief. Each healing step I have taken reopens previously badly healed wounds and heals them a little better than before. I suppose that is what this journey has been all about. Reopening old wounds and sorting out how to actually heal them. Whatever the actual answer, I am feeling deeply tired today. Clients are amazing and I am committed to showing up for them each and every single day, especially when it’s hard. They are courageous for showing up for themselves and I will always show up for them. I am as committed to showing up for myself though. Providing grace and compassion whenever necessary.

I learned a tremendous fact and that is that the fondness and love we have for others is not always reciprocated and that while it hurts, a lot, it doesn’t diminish the way we feel about them. It isn’t conditional, love, it is forever. It is something that if deeply felt travels with you through space and time and that even if someone doesn’t feel the same about you, that love still exists. That’s the beautiful thing about love. Our ego is the only one that cares if a previous lover or friend still loves us or thinks about us. Whether they do or don’t your heart won’t stop feeling what it does. That is the beauty and tragedy brought upon by love. No matter whether someone is present in your life or out of sight love is love. Sadly though, love dies when not nurtured. It becomes but a memory.

Timelines matter to me, they always have. I measure progress by how many months out of something I remain. I suppose that is the addict in me. Sobriety measured by how many months have passed. It amazes me sometimes how much time has passed since the Alchemist. In about two months it will be a year since my eyes met hers. That’s a long time and so much has changed. Life is beautiful and time has moved and caused significant healing but when I think of time and I sit with the immensity of it, it still, even now brings me to my knees. I wonder if that realization will ever feel easier. I imagine yes but I just haven’t gotten there. So, I kneel there praying for the moment to pass. It does, eventually. I stumbled upon A Star is Born this morning. I guess according to social media, the Shallow video reached 600 million views. The soundtrack near and dear, a movie I have only seen once. For the first time in a long time, I listened to Shallow and I thought about those memories around that movie. The good and the bad. What was unraveling even before anyone realized what was about to happen to their lives. It happened SO fast. Some call it a trauma bond, some call it Twin Flames, some call it fuckery. Either way, it unraveled life and as life is slowly weaving itself back together, I have never been so humbled by all of it. I am grateful to have learned humility through all of this. I was not humble. I was entitled and angry. I learned about love and passion. A deep sense and understanding of what it is to love and be loved. I saw what empathy and compassion look like in human form and I learned what trauma and unhealed wounds can do as well. It can be painful and ugly and unkind and yet even with all that, only love is felt. I took so much away from all of that there aren’t enough words to fully describe how much I have learned.

I don’t know when I take the next steps. When I no longer protect my heart and body from being penetrated by someone else. When the time comes, I am hopeful that it will feel good. That there will be safety. Safety that I provide to them, safety that I provide for me. Safety that they provide to themselves. Until then, here I remain. I graciously accept the lesson of what being alone has taught me. How I see myself, how I see others. My body is my temple and should have always been treated as such. I know now how to take care of it in ways I wasn’t sure possible. I am comfortable with it and appreciate it. And yes, the last couple months I have neglected it physically but I have done what I can to compensate for that by nurturing it spiritually, emotionally, and under the covers. Self-exploration of all kinds is where it’s at. Namaste!