Ice Storms... The brief morning pause.

Nature in all of its glory has allowed me pause for the morning. I don’t often allow myself the time to just relax and take in the world around me. I am laying on my couch wrapped in a cozy blanket with the dim light of a side lamp and my Charlie brown Christmas tree which will make its departure very soon. I have my coffee and a candle lit and I can hear the muffled noises outside in the world where people are venturing out or have ventured out to get to work etc. My kids don’t have school today and are resting peacefully for now.

Recently, I have been having a lot of thoughts running through my head. Ideas for things to write and get out of my head and heart and then as quick as they come, they are fleeting. What I have realized about my thoughts though are that they are small defenses. Defenses of who I am, what I have done, and as I reflect on them more, they won’t do anything nor will they change anything. They are my own personal microaggressions. And like any bias, nothing will change if I don’t change how I see my world and the players in it.

I have found myself searching for things to feel blessed about. Rather than looking at the things I don’t have I am looking at what I do have and I keep thinking that there is something very flawed with that thinking. I mean isn’t it ok to be grateful for what you have and be sad and disheartened about what you don’t? Can I validate my feelings without invalidating them simultaneously? I truly am not sure.

A client shared with my yesterday some personal growth. She shared a story about her ex-husband and a conversation he had with her pertaining to their son. Their son is currently self-isolated as a result of a Covid exposure and her ex asked that she share with their son that he wasn’t being punished for not being able to come to his dads for their normal days and times. My client was taken back initially because she questioned her ex implying that staying with his mother was a punishment and then after some thought she realized that it wasn’t even about her. She was able to identify that her ex wasn’t implying that staying with her was the punishment but rather that he wasn’t being punished by having to self-isolate and not being able to see his dad or his friends etc.

This was truly significant growth on my client’s part. She paused and considered what was said and heard what he actually meant versus what was actually said. It had me thinking about how powerful words can be and how when we don’t assume positive intent with the people in our life, we can’t see the actual meaning of what they say and only hear what we want to hear. It reminds me of the game of telephone, by the time the original message gets to the last person the entirety of it has changed. We don’t hear people to listen, we hear people to respond. And that is part of the issues the world has with compassion and empathy for others. We are always ready to respond rather than listen to the other persons need.

I am reading a book called Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, it has been very eye opening with how the use of words can derail or enrich a conversation, experience, or relationship. What sounds right to us could trigger someone immediately into their defenses because they aren't listening to hear, they are listening to respond. And God forbid we tell someone that we feel misunderstood because you will immediately activate their defenses. What they hear is that you are questioning their understanding and what you are saying is that you feel misunderstood.

Actions speak louder than words is tattooed on my body. It’s been there for years. And recently I have been wondering if actions really do speak louder than words or if there is a need for both to be congruent. I believe both need to be congruent as well as people maintaining the assumption of positive intent as a standard especially with the people you love. My client was able to see past her ex’s comment because she understands that he by admission not judgement, struggles articulating himself and rather than assume negative intent she heard what he was saying versus what her ego attempted to receive.

Actions and words need to match. One isn’t more superior than the other. What I wonder though is can our understanding of our partner outside of our own triggers help bridge the gap when we are receiving what they say with the intent it was meant? When we receive information from our partner from an untriggered place we allow ourselves the opportunity to connect. Nonviolent communication is a means to listen, to extract the other person's feeling/need, and to respond appropriately to that. Nothing more, nothing less. It is not our job to diagnose our people, assume what they are saying, or get defensive. Our job is to try and understand one another to create connection.

I am a defensive person. I spent most of my life “defending” myself to my parents and anyone else. I was the obscure kid who wouldn’t give them grandchildren, live a normal life, and provide them the life they wanted for me. I dismissed behavior they exhibited because I believed them to be appropriate. I mean they are my parents, and did provide me the best optics anyone could ask for, right? Even now, my mom is possessive of me, claims my being as hers because she “made it.” What she hasn’t counted on is my refusal to accept those behaviors any longer. I am not her property, and the life I choose to live from here on out is one that ensures I am living authentically. And my commitment to self and others is to listen to hear and not to respond. That was always my responsibility.

As I sit here nearing the end of my relaxation and needing to get in the shower, I can’t help but think of how much of me has changed. Things I never imagined even being a consideration are things I require to function on a daily basis. Simple things like appropriate lighting, less bras and jeans and more comfort. Seems silly but it is these simple things that help me to navigate the more complicated things. The more intense changes that are in process are easier to handle because I am taking care of my simple needs as best I can.

I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that I miss partnership. I miss having someone to curl up with at night, to touch, to kiss, the physical things that represent to me the way that I communicate my love best. I miss the end of the night conversations, the collaboration, the pieces of partnership we create behind closed doors that is only yours and your partners. What I have learned though is that those are things I am not willing to offer to just anyone. My standards around physical and spiritual intimacy have changed drastically. I know what I am capable of and what is able to happen when the connection is there. I learned so much about intimacy and connection and when the energy is right it truly is one of the most beautiful experiences. So, for now my work is around practicing nonviolent communication and protecting my energy.