In need of healing

I am enjoying the last few moments of an unexpected break in my schedule today. I am caught up on notes, have eaten my lunch, and figured I would write some thoughts. I have been struggling to sleep again and I am sure some of that is the time change but more of it is this deep uneasiness I feel in the depths of my stomach. It’s this constant nag that while at times is silenced most days it is there gently reminding me that I am still alive. I am still alive and while that may sound catastrophic it is a revelation that I often forget. I am still alive and yet I am barely living and that right there is why I still write. There is so much more of me that needs to be revealed and until that revelation is completely transcribed, I am not free of the purgatory that I have created.

I long for the days that I feel rested again and I fear that it may never actually come to pass. I have set up my life in a way that doesn’t allow much room for rest and in many ways does not leave room for the processing that is required of me at this time in my life. Processing my own emotions and feelings should supersede those of others but my attention is devoted to my clients and the world around me, and those tables need to start to flip and soon because I am approaching a critical time in my life that requires me to attend to things now. My life as a clinician is my most favorite aspect of myself. I feel like I know things in my sessions but when I step out of that role and walk out into the world as myself, I feel like a helpless child floundering around. Granted it isn’t quite as dramatic in nature but that is truly how I often feel, like I am not able to get my act together because I have chosen to stop processing my own stuff. I have no one else to blame for this but myself, so what will motivate me to change?

I learned about a management change at my primary place of employment this week. At the end of July my boss will change, and I must decide how much longer I can devote myself to this job that while it has afforded me so much opportunity no longer suits me in the way that I would like it too. I would like to focus myself on my counseling career, elevating myself, and learning but I am split between two worlds one of which I love the other which benefits me. Two very distinct reasons but both important. This news is forcing me to look at my future and decide what I want to do about moving forward and simply focusing on counseling. Like with most things, I am truly afraid of not having my “career” to fall back on like I have for almost 11 years and trusting myself enough to know that it will all work out if I am committed to the change. I just have to find a way to move past the fear otherwise I’ll never do anything that I want. I want to do a lot of things and lately I am doing none of them. Always finding an excuse to talk myself out of them.

I wonder what it is going to take for me to get it together. Like really once and for all decide that living this life is far more important than looking good in this life. And if I am being honest even that is a problem right now. I just don’t feel good. How can I? I have managed to ruin a lot of good things in the last year in a half. I have single handedly destroyed relationships and limited myself on experiences all in the name of what I don’t even know. I can’t even be indignant and say it was for anything important because in the end isn’t being happy the most important thing? Doesn’t that actually make everything else in your life function better? I wish that I knew the answer to my own questions. I am tired of feeling this way. And it isn’t even self-deprecation at this point. It is truly the most honest assessment of myself to date.

If I am honestly assessing myself, which I think at this point is the only option that I have left then everyone gets to see this very real version of me. Otherwise, there is no point. And maybe there isn’t a point. Maybe I am just talking to hear myself talk and that is enough for me to function. I would hate for that to be the truth of who I am. That I am just someone who wants to be something but puts every roadblock in her path to make it impossible but then blames everyone else for her lifetime of misery. Could this possibly be who I am? Could it be that I am perpetuating this existence rather than acknowledging that I have been the problem the whole time? Again, many questions that I can perseverate over as I have been or be willing to acknowledge that in merely speaking these words, I am excusing all my behavior as “just who I am” rather than acknowledging that I am a capable human being with the capacity for change and accomplishing goals.

If we measure success by accomplishments then I am successful but if we measure success in actions that create love, warmth, compassion, and transparency then I still have a lot of work to do. The theme of all these blogs is longing, unhappiness, lacking in areas that are required to have healthy relationships and interactions and that is the takeaway. No one is to blame for this but me and I need to ensure that I don’t forget that this can all change with a mindset change and an attitude adjustment. Sounds simple enough, right? In many ways my problem hasn’t been that I don’t know that it has been that I am unwilling to risk myself enough to get there. I am a fool to think that anything else will get me the outcome that I desire. The only thing that will bring me the joy and fulfillment that I am so desperately seeking is for me to drastically change the way that I view myself and the way that I view the world around me. In the end it doesn’t matter what other people think of me if those beliefs are bringing me misery. What matters is for me to stand on my own two feet with my beliefs intact and my heart at the forefront of every decision that I make. My heart deserves to be nurtured to be loved and to love. It deserves the opportunity to feel relief from years of uneasiness. My heart chakra needs some serious healing. Otherwise, I fear that life will pass me by, and I will never again feel that warmth that I so desperately desire.