In the suffering there is peace

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.” Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I am reading Gifts from the Sea and I am both in awe and perplexed that a woman writing a book in the 1950’s knew so much about the importance of reflection and how important one on one time is as well as how much being alone is important to ensure that you are able to show up well for the people you love. During a time and culture that highlighted the importance of a woman tending to her family and partner, how prioritizing those duties were far more important than any other need a woman may have had, I am surprised at how brave she was to share with the reader how important prioritizing yourself was to being more available to the people she/you love.

I never realized how important taking time out for yourself is. I spent most of my life filling time with activities and before I would realize it was time for bed and I would just do the same thing the next day and so it would repeat. It became monotonous and it took the destruction of my marriage, the start and finish of another relationship, and a lot of personal growth and change to realize that what I was missing was something only I could provide myself and that was time to heal. Time to recognize that I was a deeply wounded adult woman trapped in an 8-year-old mind. It took therapy twice per week, EMDR and a shit ton of reading and self-reflection to realize that I was the issue in all of my own suffering and that there isn’t much I can do to “move on” what I identified is that I need to “move through it”, feel it, experience it, get to know it and make it a welcome member of my core.

I spent a long time just in the last couple of years, arguing reality. My reality, the reality of others, and above all else, the direct impact I have on the relationships in my life. I finally had the insight and self-awareness that I was responsible for my own actions and that I was one half of the relationship and that I could no longer blame my partner for my suffering. That was the moment that I realized that until I heal myself, I am not suitable to be partnering with another human being. This is not a feeling of not good enough or that I am unworthy of love but rather an honest reflection of myself and my ability to show up for another person in a healthy way. One that allows for growth, vulnerability, and a much better awareness of my triggers.

I am not a victim or a martyr, I am a woman who has experienced a lot of life, both good and bad and who has committed to herself to never again allow the unhealed parts of me to make excuses for bad behavior. That in itself has been life changing. My past does not excuse me from being unkind to others. The greatest moment was truly the day my therapist asked me what purpose holding on to anger had for me. I was simply angry at everyone and everything. I was the victim and I couldn’t see past that. I blamed others for my shortcomings and was downright pissed that people wouldn’t bend to my will. I initially wrote need but this demand was so much deeper than a need. It was a demand to sooth me at the expense of themselves and I couldn’t see that until I realized how angry I was all the time. My parents getting sick while very scary for a variety of reasons had me reflecting on my anger and how I was showing up towards the important people in my life.

I know that I cannot go back and change the past. How I behaved, the words I said, things I wrote, how indignant I was towards people I was professing love too. What I have realized is that repair takes time. It takes one acknowledgement at a time, to begin to heal. I am committed to spending the rest of my life on this journey of healing and growth. It truly has been remarkable for me to be so committed to myself in a way that I never imagined possible. Staying busy is no longer my goal, in fact, busy sets me back, it brings upon physiological and somatic symptoms that I have worked so hard to tame. It is in the stillness, the aloneness, that I have truly found parts of me, that were buried or that I didn’t even realize existed. I get up each morning, make my cup of coffee, love on my kids when I can, as they sleep and then tend to my emotional and spiritual needs all before anyone wakes up. It is a focused time where I can reflect on how I want to show up that day. Sure, some days I’d much rather sleep but if I don’t take the time then I will miss the opportunity to take care of me and then I struggle to take care of others the rest of the day. Just writing this makes me realize truly how much I have changed in what I need, how important being still is and how if I had to choose between my self-care or doing something that will jeopardize how I show up in my relationships, I will choose my self-care every time so that when I am done, I am ready to take on the world from a regulated space.

I will never again seek outside validation from another human being. I spent most of my adult life measuring my worth and my worthiness of love based on outsourcing myself to others to make me feel better. I definitely want connection with another human. I want the beauty that comes from partnership but I have learned that if I am needing someone to make me feel whole then I need to go back to the drawing board and determine what need isn’t being met and meet it on my own. My relationship goals will foster autonomy, stillness, growth, and emotional connection. Yes, I want fun, sex, and spontaneity but not if it means I have to betray myself to maintain that. I have learned a lot about life, love, and relationships. By no means am I an expert. If I am being honest, I am truly a novice since everything I knew about relationships I had to relearn. What I am now that I wasn’t then is open to learning, hearing, and acknowledging my role and how I affect myself and others when I don’t take care of myself.