Intentionality

I continue to pursue a higher level of understanding into who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. Since January of this year, when it really dawned on me that I no longer wanted to live blindly to some of my maladaptive behaviors, I have chosen to navigate my healing with intentionality, transparency, and most importantly accountability for myself. Most people hesitate to disclose that they are pursuing a higher level of understanding of oneself. Because by disclosing we are essentially admitting that there was something not quite right and no one ever wants to do that. Admitting that you need to change is a beautiful acknowledgment of our humanity.

My journey of self-discovery began in November of 2019. I was challenged to assess myself, to dig into my trauma, my behaviors, but most importantly my authenticity. I was tasked with deciding if as a woman, mother, wife, and clinician, I was living the most authentic life. A life that matched up to MY beliefs and desires and not those that had been drilled into me since birth. What I uncovered is astounding. I learned things about myself that I had no idea lived inside of me. Dark, chaotic, and unruly parts of me that had no direction and no purpose but to protect myself and my interests. How did I not realize that I had a deeply ingrained level of selfishness? Don't get me wrong, I also learned a ton of other beautiful things about myself but those not so desirable parts of me were the catalyst for change.

I have always pursued the highest standards for myself. I have always strived to be the best at the things I take on because with producing good results you get acknowledged for your good behavior. I spent a lifetime feeling not good enough, and when I have shared that with people, they often take a step back and wonder, how someone like me could feel like they aren’t enough. The answer to that is, because I am innately human. On paper I have everything that anyone could ask for. I have a career that I love, I have family, friends, social supports and yet fundamentally I am silently screaming inside because I want nothing more than to break free of my constraints and I often find myself unable to. Why? Why can’t I stand up for my beliefs without fear? A lifetime of feeling not good enough is why. Anything that can threaten the foundation that you have believed so desperately in is not worth risking. Or is it?

As I have gained clarity and perspective, I have realized that my lifelong tactics, strategies, methods of coping, have not served me well. I have made decisions driven by fear because losing anything for me is worse than death. I have worked my entire life to listen to the needs of others to know how to respond because it provided the least amount of risk. I have spent a lifetime not having boundaries. Of justifying that in the pursuit of happiness I have to see things through no matter the cost. I have taken myself in and out of accountability when it was convenient for me. So, as I approach my 41st year of life, I have committed to myself that I will never not be accountable for my actions. That I will never put my needs above the needs of those that I love. That I will be humble. That I will continue on my journey of self-discovery. That I will admit my flaws and highlight the lessons, no matter how painful.

I no longer fear the pain associated with introspection; in fact, it is what has driven me deeper into this journey more than anything else I have been presented with. We were given free will at birth. The freedom to choose what we deem best for us. At times those choices will backfire, especially those that are not made with the right intentions. They will explode in our faces, cause a potentially lifelong aftershock, but how we choose to move forward from that is what will set us apart and what will truly begin our healing process. Sometimes we have to lose everything to decide to save ourselves. To stop abandoning ourselves. Sometimes we have to acknowledge our darkest parts to get to the light that we have buried within. We have to love ourselves more, be gentle with ourselves, embrace the changes no matter how big or small.

We have to decide to be happy. To be intentional about our happiness. To stop waiting for something or someone to provide us with happiness. The best time to be happy is not at some future point but right now. Acknowledging and accepting who we were, who we are, and who we want to be is the road to reclaiming ourselves.