Is this thing on?

I am tired today. I don’t recall the last time that I felt rested. I was plagued with horrific nightmares this weekend and slept minimally. I don’t recall what restful existence feels like. I am anxious all the time. I am always thinking of the next thing I need to do or the next steps I need to take, and it provokes tremendous anxiety daily. I do what I can to manage it, but I am seeking those moments of calm that I feel are a distance away from being a reality. I suppose that I just need to stay on the ride I’m on because in time I imagine I will relax eventually, but when?

In the last few weeks, I have had my annual checkups with all the appropriate doctors, and they all have concluded that I am healthy and that they will see me next year. I am very grateful for that because my health is so important to me. I have two beautiful children that need me to be healthy. They need me functioning at the highest capacity that I have available to me. They need me and I need them. Being a parent is one of the most beautiful blessings anyone could ever be blessed with. It is a life changing opportunity, to influence the future of these innocent, delicate, creatures. To love our children is the greatest responsibility we will ever be given, and it saddens me when people don’t love their children that fiercely.

I watched Pink and her daughter Willow perform at the 2021 Billboard Music Awards and I was warmed at the tremendous love that was visibly seen and deeply felt by watching mother and daughter perform together. It was beautiful to see how no matter what your status in society that you can genuinely love someone other than yourself with such a deep profound love. My children are my happy place. Watching them grow has been a privilege I didn’t believe that I would ever be given. And I am in deep gratitude daily for having been blessed with two strong, intelligent daughters.

I have been reflecting on my childhood lately. I have so many memories of experiences I was afforded, and I when I think about the ones that have the most profound impact on me, they are the interactions that I had with my family. As a child, I spent my summers in Puerto Rico. I have so many beautiful memories of my time there and yet the ones that have surfaced in this self-reflection are the ones where I was treated unkindly and as an outsider because of how my “family” saw me. My dad is one of the most hard-working men I have ever known, and he has worked his whole life to provide for his family, so as a child, I had access to privileges my extended family did not and as a result I was ostracized whenever they felt convenient. I was “la ricita” (the rich girl). My Spanish wasn’t fluent enough, I was made fun of because I couldn’t read or write Spanish. A slew of inadequacies that forced me to teach myself how to read and write Spanish on my own because nothing would stand in my way of being “accepted” by my “family.” I feel like that has been the theme of so much of my life. Work harder to be accepted.

My grandparents further contributed to my “family” deciding whether I was going to be in or out because they verbalized to anyone who would hear that my mother’s kids were their favorite grandchildren. They had a belief that they knew with 100% certainty that we were my mother’s kids. They couldn’t verify that certainty with their son’s wives. I hated this more than anything. They made me feel so uncomfortable and no matter how many times I voiced my complete disapproval they never let up. Eventually, summers in Puerto Rico shifted to summers in Florida where my grandparents had a home, and those interactions became non-existent, but the lasting effects remained.

I don’t think my grandparents ever understood the impact that their words had on me and more importantly on my cousins all of which were all female. How terrible it felt to be told that I was their favorite in front of my cousins or at all. How horrible they must have felt to hear their grandparents say this. How distant that made us and how damaging it was to our relationship. It didn’t allow us too ever really be close, how could it? They resented me.

My oldest thinks we have favorites. She thinks the little one is the shining star. It’s a trigger for me in more ways than I think she will ever understand. Every time she expresses that sentiment it sends me back in time and I lose any ability to “listen” to where the feeling is coming from. I immediately get into a defensive stance, and I tell her all the ways she’s “wrong”. I never want my kids to think I have favorites, ever. Each of my children is unique and completely amazing in their own stage of development. They each require completely different things and that means they require different levels of attention and support. It is a fine balance but one that I take very seriously because I would hate for my children to ever resent the other because they felt they weren’t loved well. Now don’t get me wrong. They may end up disliking each other at some point in their timeline but I hope it won’t be because of something that I did to them.

I’m grateful for these reflective moments. They allow me access to memories I thought I had forgotten and experiences that shaped so much of who I am and the values I believe in. I can’t go back and change the belief systems I was raised with or the damage they created in so many instances, but I can learn from them. I have the knowledge to change my own behaviors to be healthy and appropriate for me, my kids, and those that I love. As painful as the journey can be at times, I am beyond grateful for the ability to process, to grow, and more importantly to heal so that I can love more freely. No one wants to be loved conditionally, especially our children. I love my children infinitely with no conditions for as long as I breathe.