Juggling act

Trying to fit everything into a day off can often be difficult. It is like a fine art of juggling between self-care and chores, and I feel like for a Sunday that is a lot to expect from myself. It is my one day of rest and yet I don’t feel like I even know what that is supposed to feel like. I envision a Sunday as a day to lay in bed, read a book, cuddle up with your lover, drink coffee, drink booze if so desired and pretend there is nothing to do. That, however, is not my present Sunday nor has it been for more time than I can remember. In fact, I don’t recall the last time that ever happened. So perhaps this thought is what I am longing for because it is so present for me today.

So, how am I budgeting my time today? Well, I committed to reading two chapters of my new book. My therapist recommended that I read it before I embark on the journey of talking to my parents about my lifetime of feelings. It is a book on generational patterns and while I get that much of our experiences are part of our DNA, I am struggling to accept that, that is an excuse for what my mother did, but I am not farther enough along in the book, and I am also working on having an open mind. Why, you may wonder? Well, because I am also at times a fucked-up mess and have not always made the best choices. Either way, it is an interesting read that goes into the biology and epigenetics of trauma and the effects of trauma on the body.

I chose to write today because it has become an outlet for me to process my thoughts and while I feel that at times silencing these incessant thoughts would be much easier and allow me to be far more productive, I am really working on allowing myself the opportunity to process my own “stuff” because I too need to live a life with reduced anxiety and depression. I have a dresser and nightstand covered in books and I had thought once upon a time that by reading the experiences of others or experts research that somehow, I would find the answer to all of my life’s struggles but what I am learning is that the answers were always within me. I just didn’t trust myself enough to listen. I am listening now, and it can be so overwhelming sometimes to realize that if I pay close enough attention to myself that I am more than capable of figuring out what I need in this life.

So, I suppose that is what I am thinking about today. What my body and heart is asking for but recognizing that right now that isn’t something that is in the cards for me. That right now, continuing to focus on the adjustments that I have made in my life and getting comfortable with myself is more important than those other things. I suppose they would serve as a distraction from the work that I am doing but who knows. I guess I always believed that to feel whole you needed to have a well-balanced diet of love, companionship, self-development and work. And yet I have never had much balance, always living in extremes. I imagine that in time, I will be in a place where I can access those parts of myself again, where I will feel that I have reached a place in this journey that would safely allow myself the opportunity to relax and enjoy days off but until then, I will continue to juggle the balance between staying too busy and working on myself. I am just tired, and I have not found the “thing” that is allowing me to ground and connect. I suppose a work in progress.

Shortly, I have to get moving and do something relatively task oriented. I have to take the kids to grab some things at the store and it has me thinking of how exhausting it is at times to be a referee for two kids who have no understanding of what a “rest” day is and how often they test my limits with their inability to get along. And listen, I understand all of the inner workings of their developmental stages and where they stand in brain development but come on ladies, mommy needs a day of rest. The wonders of parenting!

I have been thinking of taking some scheduled time for myself. I am never willing to do it. I make excuses because truly, giving up time with my kids is not something that I have been willing to do much of lately. Which is contradictory to how I saw things before things changed so drastically, so I am really trying to sort that out. I feel a little cooped up lately and feel like I would like to explore a new place and have a new experience and I don’t even mind that I would do it alone it is more getting the courage to do it and then of course when and where. I really would like to sit on the beach with a really good book and an endless supply of slushy drinks with little umbrellas with absolutely nothing to do but sit in the sun. So, we will see what happens. Lots to figure out logistically and while I am good at planning, I am not good at planning when it comes to my own well-being and needs. My weekly therapy is the only thing I can say with certainty I ensure happens for me, the rest falls away and before I know it another week has passed, and I still don’t have a self-care plan in place.

Sundays are a reminder of things that could have been and while I don’t want to spend too much time in the weeds of that way of thinking, I do think it is important to remind myself that I am not here because someone took something from me but rather because I took something from myself. My hope is that in time the importance that I have put on things will adjust and that me being able to provide myself with all of my basic human needs will be enough to get through each day. But right now, I am struggling, I am struggling hard. Missing the comforts that I once believed gave my life the sustenance to keep going. Want versus necessity I suppose. I don’t think anyone will ever understand the significance of the loss I am experiencing, and I could get into the shame/blame game, with myself or acknowledge that it sucks, because it does. It sucks more than it doesn’t, and I miss so much, of which is irreplaceable and that thought alone is hard to process and accept. So, for now, I am off to be productive.

Until next time….