Justifications

People use violent communication when they are hurting or in pain. They justify its use as a means to say to someone you hurt me or you have taken something from me. They use bullying tactics, demands, with the hope of expressing a need and in the end, they trigger the other persons defenses and then get upset that you didn’t provide them the soothing they sought out in the first place. Can someone else really take something away from another person? Or is it truly a matter of perspective? I think in the end, no one can actually take anything from us that was already securely attached. It is the things that still need healing that can leave someone feeling as if the world around them has betrayed them and left them for dead. It is the areas within that still need healing that demand of someone else to emotionally regulate them. And when they don’t get their way, they punish. Punishment is not violent necessarily but it becomes just another justification. This person hurt me, didn’t sooth my need, and so now I will hold them accountable by means of “punishment” in hopes that they will submit. An unhealed person, unfamiliar with their triggers, trauma, or past experiences, may not be able to withstand this emotional war. They may feel abandoned, insecure, at risk of being alone if they don’t fix it by all means necessary. Someone healed, in tune with themselves, and fully aware of the manipulation that is “punishment” will tend to themselves until the other person realizes that you can’t be heard, tended too, or understood through the lens and use of violent communication.

I have been thinking about communication a lot lately. Whether it be verbal or non-verbal communication it is the essence of life. We communicate with our minds, bodies and spirits and when we don’t do it well it can be destructive and damaging to us and others. People demand things of us, silence, apologies, outcomes, all in the name of justification but in reality, it is a clear sign of an unmet need and not knowing how to best communicate that to someone else let alone yourself. I spent a lot of time in the land of unmet needs and justifications. Most of my life in fact, now I reside in a land of personal accountability with a large dose of ensuring that the people around me hold themselves accountable and if they can’t that’s ok but I can’t engage. My nervous system has been a mess. A bundle of nerves, I have had to regulate myself in ways lately that I wasn’t sure I was able to do and come to find out, I am stronger than I think. I have always been stronger than I thought I just had little to no self-confidence and therefore really wasn’t aware of what I actually had the capacity to handle. The price of my allowing other people’s justifications to rule my decision-making process is “death”. A price I am not willing to pay.

Come to me in peace and I will respond in kind, come to me in violence and I will be sent back in time and respond from my trauma. Fight or flight, a total shutdown. I am not unique in that sense. When we are triggered, we respond from our inner child who has not been healed or we respond from a place of defense. Real communication fosters a real response one where there is room for understanding, compassion, empathy, even an apology. That is the land I try and reside in often. One where I can hear below the demand, the justification, and see the persons need. Understand their emotion, I do it all day, every day in my counseling room. I am not perfect; I am human above anything else and therefore unable to always see below the surface to the need. And if I am being honest, I am a bit tired of always having to go below the surface to see beyond the anger, violent communication, demands, etc. to see what the person is actually expressing to me. Doesn’t everyone need to adjust as well?

I am committed to always adjusting and working on myself to achieve a higher level of awareness and understanding of myself in relations to other people. I am also committed to honoring myself and the work that I have been doing. I have spent the last 8 months working on me. Working through some major emotions. I have loved and lost; I have torn myself apart at the seams trying to “fix” myself. I have worked hard to show up for my friends and family as the best version of myself. I am doing the work every day and if that is not seen or noticed that is ok, I see it and I notice it. I notice when I have taken on more than I am able to handle because it shows in my responses. I am triggered, stressed, and it doesn’t feel good. Yesterday, was one of those days. Wednesdays and Thursdays are long and emotionally triggering some weeks. And as I navigate these recent waters I have barely been floating in, I need to lift myself up and tend to me and I have neglected myself a bit. Just feeling tired and depleted with no release at the end of the day.

I need to recommit to being responsible for my release, for my healing. Only I can take care of myself in the ways I need right now, in the ways that I will show up well for others. My healing is a commitment to self-every day. I cannot deviate from my self-care. I can’t stop therapy, I can’t stop reading, I can’t stop evaluating myself, adjusting, when necessary, otherwise I don’t thrive, I don’t live, I just survive. Lately, it has felt like I am just surviving, going through each day truly banking on a hope and a prayer, that everything is going to work out how I am envisioning it too. I honestly don’t know what the outcome will be but I am approaching it from a mostly fearless place. I can’t control this next chapter. Much of it is out of my control. What I am relying on is that my mind won’t fail me, that it has retained the information I need to make the best decisions, and that over time things will naturally fall into place. I am adjusting daily and reminding myself that fear ruins everything, faith keeps it all going.