Knowledge is power....right?

I am homesick for a home that no longer exists and perhaps it never existed but I miss it. When I arrived home yesterday, a picture that hung on my wall for over a year and a half had fallen off the wall. Perhaps a not so gentle reminder that the timeline that image represented no longer exists. I recalled up until what feels like recently, I had hoped, wondered, if I would ever come home and be pleasantly surprised to find the Alchemist waiting for me. Silly, I know but was definitely a fantasy I held on to for a long time. These days, I have very limited trust in women and I am armored up significantly. Not the best look on me but feeling like in order to survive that is all I can do. Life has been a whirlwind these days and trying to plan out my next moves has been a challenge. I keep reminding myself that I have my health and a wealth of knowledge in my brain so these next steps can’t be that difficult, can they? For someone who experienced prolonged trauma, mostly never trusted myself, let alone liked myself, recent events have forced me to test all of my recent healing so we shall see how I fair.

Knowledge is power and I have been fortunate to learn from so many people in the last few years. I have learned who not to be, who not to trust, and that the focus I put on healing myself will not only benefit the people around me but myself. I have adopted self-care routines that bring me joy and peace, that force me to sweat a little, and I have navigated negative energy in a way that I didn’t imagine possible. Either from people or situations, I won’t be trampled on. I am not a victim. I am a warrior and that is a new acknowledgment for me.

I read something this morning about dating I think or relationship green flags and it has me thinking about what I want in a partnership. Openness, trust, acceptance, vulnerability, passion, sex, intimacy are some of the things that come to mind initially. Can you have some but not all and still have a healthy relationship? That is a mystery I am still trying to navigate. It has been almost 33 weeks since someone has explored me. Clients share with me all the time about dating apps and what struggles they are having and how challenging it is to meet someone. It’s overwhelming to even consider. So, I don’t. I truly enjoy being alone. Never imagined that solitude would fit me because I hadn’t experienced it before. I am sitting in bed presently with a hot cup of coffee, writing this blog, and it's quiet. My thoughts are ragging because I have a lot to work through but I am here doing it. I would love to have someone next to me, doing their own writing or reading but I will not just settle for anyone. Anyone was what I did before. Now I seek something much richer than that.

I want someone who is curious, who understands me, who is inquisitive about my body, my mind, my spirit. I want to know them, be curious right alongside them and learn their body. The art of getting to know someone is truly beautiful. Learning how they like to be touched, the feel of their skin against yours. The feel of the first kiss, the first handholding, the first embrace all gives us a preview into future interactions. The more curious, the more you learn about one another. The excitement builds and we take in more and more. There is so much beauty in relationships but as I have gotten older unless I am adopting a non-traditional relationship where I am sharing myself with many verses one. I am in a holding pattern because sharing myself with just anyone seems like a terrible use of my time and energy. That thinking may land me alone for a while but the alternative seems worse.

I know exactly what I need and what would satisfy me. It can’t be just anybody, just anybody won’t do. So, I dream, I fantasize, I remember, I envision, all of it keeps it interesting enough. I am fond of my experiences, especially the ones that taught me significant lessons. And what I have learned is being alone isn’t as scary as I thought. So, I will sit with that for as long as it takes.