Life's beautiful lessons

Since Saturday, it has felt like hundreds of 90 mile an hour fast balls were coming at my face, and while I was able to dodge a few, most of them have made contact and I was left feeling battered and beaten. Thankfully, I am on the flip side today, feeling energized and ready for battle. For those reading, enjoy the bumpy ride because this one is going to pack some punches.

I learned some very valuable lessons this last week and I am humbled by the ability to be open and accepting of all the feedback and the support that I received.

Lesson #1: Life is fleeting, life is precious, life is fragile

The measure of our success is not about what things we provide to those we love. It’s about the connections that we make with the people that we love. It’s about the small moments, the cuddling on the couch, the intimacy of a romantic dinner, a family vacation, a midnight stroll, reading to your kids at night. Those are the moments that we remember most. Sure, having money is helpful, right? I mean it allows one to feel less stressed, less strapped, but does it replace those memories that you can create when you are present with the people that you love? When you die, do people remember what you could afford or the moments that they shared with you? In my experience, it is the memories that we recall most when we reminisce about a lost loved one. We channel those memories because they provide us comfort. The rest gets forgotten because it’s not what matters.

Lesson #2 don’t be afraid to get help

I am guilty of trying to solve things on my own. I am guilty of being too proud to reach out to more experienced people when it comes to making some of life’s tough decisions. This last year has taught me to be much humbler, to be collaborative, to reach out to those people who I can count on for support. I am grateful for the relationship I have with my therapist. I can go to her with any issue and after that hour is complete, I feel empowered to take corrective steps. To continue working on myself, to continue along the journey. To not get discouraged, when that is what would be so much easier. I have hardly had to leverage her experience for professional guidance but recently I did and when I shared with her what had happened and what I did, she was there for me. She didn’t pass any judgement, she didn’t shame me, she listened and together we talked through my feelings. She asked me if I was ok, she checked in on me, and she helped me see that I did the best that I could under the circumstances. I learned from that experience that I will never make the same mistake again. That I will always trust my gut instincts above all else. That I will always make the decisions with the use of my head and heart. My duty to protect will always take the front seat to my duty to a friendship or relationship. Anyone, who is struggling, who feels hopeless, who feels unappreciated, unloved, don’t hesitate to reach out. Let those around you help you, I know it can be scary to be vulnerable with another human being but sometimes that vulnerability can be life changing and can restore hope where hopelessness lies.

Lesson #3 meet me where you are

“Best friends” are rare. They don’t come in quantity but rather in quality. They are someone who’s there for you no matter what life throws your way. In the good and the bad, the comfortable and the uncomfortable, they remain true to you, to your friendship, they stay. They tell you things you don’t want to hear, they challenge your belief systems, they are your eyes when you can’t see clearly. A best friend is someone that when you call, they will always be there. I don’t have many best friends and that is because as I’ve gotten older, the amount of people I rely on has narrowed because with age and wisdom, I was looking for fundamentally different things then when I was young when the quality of the friendship didn’t mean as much as not being alone. I am seeking intimacy, authenticity, reliability, and I know that is reserved for a select few. My friendships vary in length of time, my oldest friendship is almost 23 years old. Until I just did the math, I didn’t realize that I had cultivated that kind of friendship, that no matter how much time has passed with her, that I can always call her and vice versa and we will be there for whatever the other needs.

My best friends are my people, and I am theirs, and no matter what happens, no matter what tragedy, test, trial, or tribulation, we are there for each other no questions asked. Sure, there are times where boundaries need to be reinforced because things have gotten out of bounds, or we squabble over a difference of opinion, political view, or belief system but in the end, we can move forward together because the ties that bind us are built on mutual love and respect. We each are so dramatically different, we see the world from different eyes, but we are inherently the same because we possess the essential key ingredients and those are that we are flawed humans, we all make mistakes, we all falter, we all fall, we all are striving to survive the best we know how. We don’t reserve our friendship for only the good, we are there for the scary, the hard, the downright ugly. If you can withstand even the darkest of moments, then that is worth holding on to, as tightly and as fiercely as you can. You stay even when it’s hard.

Lesson #4 being a nonconformist

We are groomed to conform. In much of what I have written since I started this journey, a common theme is how often I have conformed to the expectations of others throughout my life. Some would argue that statement screams “victim” and perhaps there is a little victim in me, we all eb and flow out of accountability. We are human beings for fucks sake, of course we do! Here’s what I have learned though, you don’t conform to things that compromise your integrity, that go against your morals and values, that will fundamentally change who you are to make others happy. If you know me well, you know that I have compromised all those things in my lifetime for a variety of reasons, some just recently and I am not proud of that. I have gone out of integrity; I have done things that don’t line up with my morals and values and while those things have been profoundly damaging to relationships, I have learned a tremendous amount. Does that make it better? Not even close, but it has taught me who I want to be and who I am no longer willing to be.

Lesson #5 conscious behaviors

Love, marriage, relationships, and everything else that follows is very different for every couple. What I have learned this last year is that being accountable for my part in the disfunction of a relationship is the most important thing that I can do. It allows me to acknowledge that there exist aspects of myself that I was trying to heal through the relationship itself and I wasn’t being honest about that. A year ago, I was blind, guarded, intolerant, invulnerable. I was not brave enough. A relationship is truly 50/50. Of course, there are times that we must pick up for our partner but essentially it takes an investment on each our parts to make a relationship work. When it doesn’t work, we blame the other for all their transgressions without being willing to acknowledge our role and responsibility. Only when we can see our part does the healing begin. Each relationship is meant to teach us about ourselves, our unhealed parts, the parts we thought would be “fixed” because we idealized our partner. We placed so much responsibility on the relationship that we stopped working at it. When we stop working at things they die and once the death occurs it is very hard to breathe life back into it or it may no longer be appropriate too but how you handle that when it happens is what will determine the life and the love you get to have after.

If there are children involved, it is critical to consider the impact that your actions will have on your children. I imagine most couples have one thing in common no matter where you are in your journey, and that is that they love their children. If your actions towards your partner or soon to be ex is in the best interest of their emotional well-being then believe me when I say this, you are doing it right. The sooner you can get out of blaming your partner or ex for everything that went wrong and taking accountability for yourself you are on the road to healing and the more healing you foster the more whole you become. The more whole you are, the more open to love you become.

The end of something doesn’t mean the absence of the potential for something new and wholesome to present itself to you. When it does, you will be ready, you will be healed, you will be open. The love you find will meet you where you are, will become a part of your family. Will be a part of the daily nuances, will believe in your connection, will trust that you have done the work to be a fully healed partner. When you approach things with a conscious intention, when the result is to create an environment that is safe for everyone, that is welcoming, that is fierce and protective of all affected people, that offers each person a seat at the table then and only then can you have harmony.

We transition relationships all the time. We end one, begin another. This applies to all things not just intimate partnerships. When we end one and begin another, we are making a conscious choice to commit to that relationship. We are dedicating ourselves to that person, job, school, etc. and we are saying to the world that is the who or what we are dedicating ourselves too.

Lesson #6 love

Love and friendship are not unicorns and rainbows. They are truly more like a spectacular light show. They are thrilling, aggressive, surprising, and terrifying. They are not always easy but they are some of the most beautiful things in the world. To be love in the world you need to be yourself. To accept yourself, flaws, and all. If you don’t know how to accept yourself how can you expect someone else to accept you. Running away from love leads to the loss of love. Running away from friendship leads to the loss of those friends. You lose sight of who you could’ve been if you’d committed to loving someone or or investing in something even when it was hard. When the going gets tough stick it out with those that you love. It doesn’t matter if it’s your sister, friend, or partner challenge yourself to stay. Leaving is comfortable but staying is the challenge. You may be surprised at what you will uncover if you stay. Each person’s story is unique and different and if they come to us for help or support be there with them, it could be a matter of life or death, or love or loss.