Losses, invisibility and anything else

I lost someone very important to me this weekend and I don’t know what to do with the feelings.

She was a gentle, fierce, determined woman who loved those closest to her. Her name was Florinda aka Flori. She was born and raised in Honduras. She came to this country as a young woman pursuing what so many others have before her, the American Dream. She and I met in what some would call privileged circumstances, but she was my nanny and knowing her was a privilege. She lived with me for most of my childhood and into my teen years. She was with us Tuesday through Saturday and would have her two days off. I missed her on the days she wasn’t there. Her absence was felt. I would often venture into her room and sit on her bed and watch tv to feel her presence with me. Her room had a smell that was comforting and provided me with a sense of safety and security that was lacking in my world.

I recall many nights that I would make myself a bed on the floor with mere blankets and pillows while I had a fully equipped room upstairs so that I could be close to her. We would watch telenovelas and just be there together. Don’t get me wrong as much as she was my companion, she was also a disciplinarian and didn’t let me get away with much. But I can recall a few times I ran to her for protection and although she never intervened with my mother’s punishments, she protected me.

What I admired most about her was her determination to her family and her commitment to give back to the country that had taken her in graciously. She worked very hard, even had to leave us for a period of time to seek and obtain her legal citizenship here in the United States. She studied, learned the language, and proudly accepted her right to citizenship. As soon as she completed this monumental task, she went on to bring each of her children to this country and as a result her whole family and their spouses have obtained legal citizenship and were here with her until her final breath.

She left us only as a result of planning for her future. My parents couldn’t provide her health insurance and or put her on the books at the time and she needed to begin paying into the system she worked so hard to be a part of. The day she left us was utterly devastating and I couldn’t understand why at the time. She had become a part of our family. She celebrated holidays, birthdays, tragedies with us. She was my mom’s friend, had a relationship with my grandparents, she was like another mother to me. She was my safety. And as I write this, I realize she was my first attachment fracture, one that utterly devastated and rocked my world.

From there the attention seeking became pervasive and the invisibility began. Or maybe it was already there I still haven’t sorted that one out but in time I imagine the truth will reveal itself to me. I feel guilty sometimes sorting through these thoughts, traveling down memory lane, afraid of what I’ll uncover but suppressing them will only keep me invisible to myself and the cost of that is too great. One I am not willing to sell myself for.

After she left it had been many, many years since I had seen her. She called me every birthday but I hadn't seen her and when my sister was getting married she came to the reception and I hadn't known she was coming and when I laid eyes on her I broke down in tears. Pure joy and happiness at being able to see this woman who had meant so much to me, to know that she still loved me as much as I loved her. It was a moment in my history that I will never forget. In October of 2018, she got to meet my daughters. To see my children interacting with her was a dream come true, something not even my grandparents had the opportunity to do. For them to see her, to meet the woman who had been my friend, my companion, my protector is a moment in this life that I will never let go of.

I am sitting with a lot these days. Not really sure where life is headed and if I will have the stamina to keep up with the demands, I have placed on myself. So, all I can do is pace myself. Have grace and compassion and be open and receptive. I am not invisible, and I can provide myself with safety and security. I need to trust the process wherever it lands. To trust without controlling, without manipulating myself and others. Not being attached to an outcome but focusing on living my best life, flaws and all.