Milestones

I wasn’t sure what this would feel like if you had asked me almost 7 months ago what it would feel like to lose someone that was very important to me. I don’t think you ever grasp the gravity of the loss of a loved one. Regardless of the circumstances of the loss, loss feels at times deadening. I have felt lifeless at times. Lost, confused, spent and yet somehow, I am still standing even if at times it feels like barely.

I have spent so much time surviving this life that I had to remember what it actually felt to live and while I am doing better it still isn’t easy. It isn’t organic for me to just live, sad but true. I am still sorting out what is a coping mechanism, what is actually working and what needs a serious overhaul. I am trying to sort myself out in this world that seems to be falling apart each day and I am trying to sort out where I fit in and with who.

Life is a series of unfortunate events, it’s what you do with them that matters or at least that is what I am telling myself today. I feel sad today. There is a heavy feeling over me regarding missed moments and experiences. Opportunities I could have been a part of, moments I could have been there to support and while there is nothing I can do at this time, I will recognize the feeling, today is a bit heavy. Life keeps moving after death, a break-up, a loss. The world doesn’t stop rotating even if I could or have. Time continues on its trajectory regardless of what I am doing or not doing. And while I know that is how it should be, doesn’t mean I always like it.

I am watching my people grow up so quicky. Always wondering if I am doing a good enough job at being their parent. Some days unsure if I am doing a good job. I suppose that is the life of a parent, always questioning if we are doing it “right.” I suppose there is no one size fits all, each family unit is different, each child unique like a snowflake and I have to hope and pray that they grow up to be happy and wholesome humans despite their mothers deep, dark, demons. I judge myself harshly, it is how I ensure that I never fall out of accountability again. I spent so much time blaming others for my deficiencies and that was never how I was going to learn. I didn’t allow myself to get uncomfortable enough to grow and now that I feel ripped wide open and completely exposed, I am moving each and every day.

This time of the year is full of milestones. Children I knew are graduating, moving up, and embarking on their next journeys. If you really look close enough, everyone is on their own personal journey. The parent of those students, the students, teachers, growing, evolving, going down their own path or choosing the societal norm. Either way everyone is traveling their own path and it is beautiful and scary to be witness to. Growth is what keeps life interesting. It is what symbolizes being alive. When we grow, we get to experience the world from those set of eyes. Each evolution a new version of us emerges. It is the beauty that life offers us but only if we recognize it for what it is.

My growth began because someone saw me, they loved me before I was able to love myself. They gave me the courage to be the person I always should have been. They taught me to fight harder, to love deeper. Before that I didn’t think much of myself. That love made me feel special and seen and is what inspired me to grow. It is how I learned that beauty is within, it is something found not given and that if I am doing things that don’t suit you, that I have the control to make adjustments and that it will be ok. It still inspires me. That love gives me courage and the fortitude to keep moving myself forward.