Mind/body disconnect

I just got done with therapy and I am feeling really overwhelmed. It’s been a tough week with anxiety. Chest tightening, dizziness, and a sense of overwhelm and as my therapist pointed out today, I have been overwhelmed for months. I was hoping that I would feel relieved after my session but what I really want to do is cry. I want to let loose and have a really ugly cry and I just don’t have time to allow myself to break down. My session was really difficult. My mind and body connection are a hot mess. I have spent so much time working on analyzing every little move I have made that I am not even sure I am allowing myself the opportunity to feel anything. If I am being honest, I don’t want to feel anything. I don’t want to feel this excruciating pain. It has become more than I can bare and yet I must bear it because what other choice is there.

The truth is, I am heartbroken. My heart hurts and nothing is bringing me relief. I need relief but there is nothing that I can do that is suitable enough. There is nothing that can actually make me feel better and maybe I am not supposed to feel better. Maybe, I am supposed to feel this way and one day I will wake up and it will go away. Right now, though, I am miserable. That is the honest to God’s truth. How can I be happy when the things that matter most to me are no longer accessible to me? Things that are not replaceable. She can’t be replaced. There I said it. I said the thing that is driving so much of this anxiety. So much of this heartache. It is the center of all my investigations, all my research, all the analysis that is happening day to day. And feeling the emotions associated with how that makes me feel, how she makes me feel, it’s too much to handle. So, I am not, I am working a lot, distracting myself with blog posts, podcasts, books, any other distractions that comes my way.

I wish this wasn’t how I was dealing with it. It is the only thing that I know how to do right now. I know how to learn, to read, to process, to find answers where perhaps there aren’t any. Maybe that is the problem, I am looking for answers to things that have already happened. I can’t go back and fix anything so perhaps the answers I seek are more for the future rather than answering any questions of the past. The past is exactly that, the past. And while I wish so desperately that I could go back and repair the things that happened, what good will that do? That doesn’t change anything, sure it repairs the damage, but it doesn’t erase it. So, no matter what I do I can’t erase who I was, what I did or how I handled myself. What I can do is just show up every day and do better. I can do that.

I have had these feelings of wishing something miraculous would happen and I know that isn’t a smart way to live. It is just a series of intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that don’t make me feel better but rather make me want something that isn’t accessible to me and quite frankly may never be accessible to me again. I am this fucking small ass kid wanting to be loved unconditionally and wanting to be seen for me, that person who deep down inside is scared and alone and who wants to feel loved. The only person who can do that for me is me. I am seeking answers and at the end of the day, the answer is simple. I am not that small child anymore.

How long will this be my story? I wish I knew. I just know that I am not giving up on the future and all that it has to offer. I had hoped it would be a specific way. That things would have worked out how I had hoped. She had been so much a part of my plan that I never really considered what life would look like without her. And maybe that was my biggest mistake. Maybe I was swept up in future thinking that I didn’t really focus on what was happening in the moment. That my lack of attention to all the details, to being emotionally available in the ways that were required, was where my focus belonged. The realization that maybe this was all supposed to be this way is one that I am struggling to accept. I am struggling to reconcile that maybe this could have all been avoided and I was too stubborn to notice. So, to put it bluntly, it fucking sucks.

No matter how sad I am, I am doing the best I can to turn that energy into something productive. Maybe that isn’t the best approach, maybe I need to just allow myself to be sad, to stop analyzing everything and just accept that I feel a little lost and that its ok. It is ok that I feel this way. And my body is telling me to pay attention, so I need to listen.