Process Friday

The last couple of weeks have been one emotional roller coaster after the other. Each day not knowing when the next drop was coming. I have neglected myself in so many ways these weeks and it is showing in my mood, how I am feeling, and the slight turbulence happening in my mind. I often wonder if that turbulence is always there, I just don’t notice it because I am taking better care of myself. My hope is to reset again on Monday because my emotional and physical wellbeing needs it.

I suppose each day is a reset of the last. A brand-new opportunity to show up in the world, among the other humans. Lately, I have been the seize the day kind of gal but right now I am not interested in seizing anything that I am not 100% sure won’t take me down emotionally. I don’t have emotional capacity right now and I am struggling to work my way through that. As a result, I sat silent for a while. I have been quiet and keeping to myself because that is a sure-fire way to preserve what little emotional capacity I have. Right? I am not sure. I am finding this morning that there is a fire ragging within me. One that if not tended too will burn a lot of stuff down in its path.

Rewiring our brains to focus on peace, healing, and self-awareness is a daily need. Just like breathing I have learned that focusing on the details of my triggers isn’t important but rather focusing on what triggered me and reassuring myself I am ok and no longer that child unable to defend herself to her parents. That is what has helped me showing up in grace, humility, and compassion these last few weeks.

I miss the Alchemist. You see there are truly few people who understand me completely. Who understand me down to the most basic biology. She is one of them. She saw through me. The good, the bad, the horrific and while she tried to love me despite all of that, I could not receive it and I made her the enemy. She was truly never the enemy. She was the lover that I needed to bring me too today. Sometimes, I lose faith in my ability to keep carrying myself the rest of the way and then I remember all the things she taught me even when she thought I wasn’t listening (and If I am being honest, at the time I couldn’t hear it, but I did retain it) I find my way back to my center and I move another step ahead.

I have come to realize that when I sit to write I often think of her. This blog in essence began as a way to communicate with her and to be able to work through some very deep feelings at the time centered around loss and feeling abandoned. I turned a lot of those posts into my victimization and villainized someone, her. I believe I got a lesson each round of separation but never quite enough to get it right. The final severe was extreme and deeply damaging but it truly taught me the lesson. I had hit rock bottom, lost so much, and had the choice to drown in my sorrow and remain the victim or work through my feelings. I chose the latter and for that I am grateful.

I miss so much of my human connection to the Alchemist. There was a warmth, a tenderness, that I deeply enjoyed and that wrapped me up in love. The ending is not what I focus on because the ending was a type of new beginning for me. It is what broke me enough to focus on who I had been the entire time. I am not proud of who that person was to her. I wasn’t safe and I wasn’t kind. I was a toddler on steroids, taking out everything and everyone in my path. Destructive and cruel.

When you think of “couple” things every relationship has a thing. We had a beach. A beautiful view of the Long Island sound, nestled into a beautiful beach community. I had been to that beach one other time before I began going there with her. It was with a friend and our very tiny babies at the time. I wonder if she was there when we were. I wonder if our paths were always destined to cross, to experience that view. So many memories, good and bad happened at that one beach and I cherish each one because it taught me so much about her and me and how very little, I understood about what partnership was really intended to be. I haven’t been to that beach in a year. I haven’t stepped foot there since the last time when we faught and things ended poorly, yet again. I still have a picture of the view, exquisite. Not sure mother nature new the storm brewing once again between us two.

Life has a funny way of showing us lessons and it took me a long time to understand it all. And quite honestly there are days it truly doesn’t make sense. There is a dull ache within me, one that manifest anxiety, perpetuates grief, and at times renders me paralyzed with sadness. One that doesn’t understand how this is better. The longing for connection to something that has been so disconnected and yet ever so present. Seems like a really sad love song and I suppose that is exactly what it is.

Our story could fill many pages. The lyrics our love could create likely magnificent, and the love lost between two people devastating.

Lots to process today in therapy….onward.