Processing

I woke up this morning slightly angry. I am not sure why truly because I went to bed very sad so perhaps today is opposite day and my anger is really just sadness. Yesterday was a sad kind of day. I was triggered by a client (unbeknownst to them), and it was how I rode out the day. Countertransference is a real thing and recently I have had to be mindful of that. My shit stays with me and the rest of the world needs to figure it out without me imposing my emotional process or views on it. But it hit close to home and so I got stuck. I am human, I am not always able to separate and so Friday I will process with my therapist. That is all I can do, recognize the issue and work towards resolving it.

You ever have those days where you want something mystical and magical to happen. That somehow the universe will do exactly what you need it to, and all of your problems will go away. That was my day yesterday. I realized that I am literally torturing myself daily. I am making this worse for myself by hanging on to an idea of something. Magical thinking believing that this thing, this connection will somehow miraculously come back. Jokes on me folks, I am waiting for someone else to do something and the fact is, it’s done. There is nothing left to do. I am fooling myself into believing that there is. And as I sit here, the universe reminds me, it’s a Lady Gaga kind of day today and Always Remember Us This Way just began to play. Truer words were never written. That song took me into my vulnerability and I shared myself with her in a way that I never had. Ever.

A month ago, it was difficult to say goodbye. To utter words that are completely opposite of what I wanted. It was to comply with someone else’s need. Since then, I have not been the same and I have not been able to reconcile any of it. I feel very unresolved, and I can’t do anything with that except turn that energy into something productive by working on myself. Each day getting up and making that goodbye mean something. That means that some days will be harder than others. I feel like I am living in the twilight zone though. I mean is this real life? Is it possible that this is it? That there is no turning back? I suppose so. I better adjust quick and level up even quicker. I keep wishing for some miracle. That tomorrow I am going to wake up and she will be there. I know that isn't reality and I don't believe in miracles. Real life is the only place that I will reside. It's the only place I can afford to reside.

December 12th, 2019, life turned upside down. Literally, everything changed in that moment. The world I knew, the world she knew. That we had worked so hard to forge and build, changed. It changed forever. The greatest shake up story I’ve ever been a part of. I re-read that correspondence today, and I felt the same today as I did then. Completely overwhelmed with indescribable feelings. That isn’t some magical thinking or fantasy, it was real life for us both. The confessions of two deeply wounded women. Maybe it was the perfect illusion. Maybe none of this is real and we didn't have what we believed to be true and it was all the perfect illusion. That would be great I suppose but it was real and I believe in all of its possibilities. Perhaps I always will and that would make it the perfect delusion or perhaps my most pure belief system.

I miss the days leading up to that day. I miss the anticipation. The flow of thoughts that volleyed between us from morning till night. I miss the connection, the ebb and flow of the energy we produced. We had something extraordinary. And that may end up just being my reality, how I want to remember it and that is ok. Everyone is allowed their experience and it doesn’t have to be shared. I can have my memories and she hers and it doesn’t make either of us wrong. The days after that revelation changed so much for me. It changed everything. My focuses changed and that was the moment that I left the life I knew. I have never really returned to that, nor do I think I returned to myself. I changed from that moment on. Some of the change good, some revealed tremendous character flaws. The love however, that remains to this day. Unscathed from all the hurt and pain. I can never unknow what I know. If you could get in my head what you would find would solidify that. The knowing that I possess is something completely irreplaceable. It took me all this time to settle into my new world. The world where I stand on my two feet, navigating all the changes as best as I can. And while at times it is difficult, I am still here to tell the tale. I made it, I survived, when I thought I would die.

So many days, I didn’t think that I would make it. I couldn’t stand to be with myself. I hated everything that I did. I hated how much of a coward I was. How much I hurt her, and disappointed her. I hurt everyone that I loved, and I have struggled to forgive myself for this. I felt responsible for ruining lives and not just mine but eight others. There were so many beating hearts affected by all of this and no matter what I did, I couldn’t feel better about it. I just kept making it worse. Time has helped to heal these feelings. What time hasn’t healed is the pain, the distance, the loss. I suppose that it will take more time than I am able to see right now to process through this all. To work at coming out on the other side of this. All I can do is take a day at a time. The rest will figure itself out. The rest will land exactly where it is intended too.

There are many things I am doing successfully to move forward even if right now it feels impossible. I have gained a better understanding of my needs, my patterns in relationship, and how to be a healthier more positive partner. I have identified my trauma, my triggers, and my toxic behaviors. All of that has happened in the face of heartbreak and loss. I wish I had been able to give her one reason to stay. Time heals and so will I.