Rebuilding Broken Foundations

Waking up feeling a deep heaviness today was an unwelcome feeling. One I haven’t really had in quite some time. I deep feeling of grief and loss and unsure of how to process through it. So much has happened in the last 9 months both personally and professionally that I am not always sure how to work through each part. What I have learned is that each thing is interconnected to the other and so it is a fluid flowing of grief that ties into the other. This week has felt like that as well one fluid flowing day that hasn’t ended since the week began. The reality is though that each day had a beginning and an end and I am doing the best that I can. My week began Monday with a sense of accomplishment and an already exhausted heart and mind. I finished reading The Song of Achilles. What a beautifully tragic story. I couldn’t put it down. I needed to know the end and I forfeited sleep to make it happen and I was glad I did. The sad part is it is over, the beauty is found in the story. The passion, and the commitment between two people. I am sure I could tear it apart and analyze all the way it was toxic or abusive but the foundation of the love shared between Achilles and Patroclus was beautiful and pure even if each of them was “broken” in their own right.

We are all imperfectly, perfect. Built out of the foundations laid well before we were even born. Each of us unique and formidable and so we grow. Sometimes alone due to abandonment by our caretakers, sometimes in riches to replace the lack of emotional availability those caregivers can provide, or a complete and utter emptiness where none of our needs are being met and we are forced to learn on our own with the help of books, movies, and social norms set forth by other perfectly imperfect people who think they are the subject matter expert. I suppose we are all subject matter experts on our own life and yet we still need the guidance of pre-established norms to know how to best fit in. I realized recently, I didn’t always fit in. I did however know the tips and tricks to make myself blend in and now as I look back, I didn’t even really know who I was. Always towing the line between “normal” and my integrity. I made colossal messes to be where I am today and while fitting in is subjective, I feel like I fit in well with myself and that allows me to show up today in a way I couldn’t have less than a year ago.

Dreams are beautifully cruel manifestations. Subconscious representations of what was, what is, and what could be. They can remind us of the fondest of memories or the cruelest of pains. I’ve often welcomed dreams. They are like movie reels of your life either based in fact or fantasy but they allow us a vision into things otherwise left unexplored. I have long struggled with the fact that once something is broken it will never be the same. There will be a crack in its foundation. I struggled with this because the way it “was” provided safety. What it took me a long time to realize is that while something may be different doesn’t mean it can’t be better than before it was broken. The steps taken to heal the broken pieces of ourselves, how we repair with the people we hurt, and how we choose to live after can make everything even better. It doesn’t have to be either or. It can be both. Something can be broken and heal and be better than it was. I am grateful for that shift. It makes me curious and evokes passion in me. It makes me want to learn and explore more. To heal more. To challenge myself more. Foundations break but upgrades and patch work can help to revive something that had felt unrepairable. It doesn’t have to be black and white. My rigidity has always been my downfall. Inflexible thinking, fear of the outcome. How far I have come, so much more regulated, less desperate…. I sometimes can’t even acknowledge it for fear of becoming complacent. For fear in general.

The Alchemist was in my dream last night. It has been a long time since that happened. It was a vivid dream. She was not alone; her three mirrors were there. Kind, warm, and gentle how I remember them. Each feature captured in time because it has been a long time since I have seen them all. I am grateful for that warmth. A deep affection and fondness remain in my heart. A profound sense of gratitude. I spent so much time wishing things had been different and there are moments that I want to circle back in time. Circling back to what felt so good even when I was so wrong in how I received it, handled it, accepted it. I will remain forever grateful. So deeply and profoundly grateful. I am grateful for those moments some captured on images, others seared into my mind replaying on movie reels every once in a while. It’s like watching an old familiar movie, one that brings you comfort.

This week has been long and emotionally draining. My caseload is intense. The work is so deeply rewarding but so deeply difficult. Lots of energy being put out and not enough being restored. It is something that I really need to sort out. The balance between working and creating something and being present with my people and having the capacity to focus on me in the ways I so desperately I am committed to continuing for the sake of myself and those around me. Without it they suffer and without it I don’t live. I look forward to tomorrow, I get the day to hang with my tiny human, I get to take in my world, breath in their wonder, take in their love, feel their warmth, and recognize that life is beautiful, my life is beautiful.