Reflective kind of day

I wonder what it is about Wednesdays that either result in gloomy days or feel like it takes an eternity to get through them. My 2:30p, a client I absolutely love, is a no show. Figures, today I remembered the book I have been promising her. Unfortunately, she is at the mercy of a father and step-mother who seem to struggle with attendance and punctuality. I send them lots of grace and hope when they receive my text, they circle back with me. Today has been a good day so far with clients. Lots of meaningful work happening. I am just tired and feeling a bit off.

My boss is in town this week. Always an interesting experience for me. I have been working with my therapist on this since each visit and interaction with her has caused me some level of distress each time. My nervous system goes haywire and I become an anxious, sweaty, mess. Something about her, nothing she is doing, but something about her nonetheless triggers my primitive brain into a frenzy. I wish I could wrap my head around the cause but for now I will continue to work through it since I am determined to figure out what the trigger is.

I never really knew how my nervous system functioned before the last year or so, actually probably more like the last seven or eight months. Either way, I pay very close attention to it. It is a skill that I have been navigating and trying to sort out what is and isn’t working. I had dismissed the intensity of how the nervous system works not only for myself but the people around me. Often, not considering, if I am a hot mess and responding from that space, how do people feel around me as a result of that? It is always humbling to learn a little more about yourself than you did before but always makes me regretful that I learned to late in the game to save some very critically important relationships that I lost due to my unwillingness to SEE myself.

I understand that it takes two to tango in any relationship dynamic but what I no longer focus on is highlighting what the other person is responsible for while not acknowledging my own toxic traits. The whole point of growing your self-awareness it to be able to see how you are in relations to others and yourself. People will hear me use the term level up, one I can’t take credit for coining but one that I learned through some very difficult conversations not only as a partner but as a clinician as well. When our people share something with us it isn’t a reason to get defensive or angry but rather a place to become reflective. To be able to evaluate yourself from a non-egotistical place and make adjustments is leveling up. It is moving with the discomfort rather than standing there kicking and screaming about all the ways you have been wronged for someone bringing a concern or feeling to you for your consideration.

I get mad at myself sometimes because of my belligerence. I feel like such a class A, asshole for not being able to sit with myself long enough to hear what was being shared with me. I had so many opportunities to show up differently but decided that staying stuck in my old ways would be better and I was stubborn to a fault and honestly If I truly evaluate “stubborn” that isn’t a fair assessment. I was unwilling to hear my partner. I was unwilling to make the changes within me to be a healthy partner. Loss triggered the movement into this space that I reside in today. It is the loss that keeps me committed to my self-care, to my growth, to my self-awareness and insight into myself. It is what has me committed to never letting go of my therapy. All of it is required for me to function healthily in society.

I wanted change to happen to me for such a long time. I relied on the love of another human being to motivate me to move from the stagnation. I relied on dopamine and my addictive qualities to move me to the next chapters of my life. That wasn’t working. It made me feel good in the moment but I hated myself after and had no self-respect. I wasn’t respectful to others and I was angry when I didn’t get my way. I had no idea how to satisfy my own needs until satisfying my own needs was all I could do.

I often miss what I had. The person, the knowledge, the intellect, the unadulterated love, I thought that the feelings could keep it strong and together and what I realize now that I didn’t realize then is that the fantasy of what I was experiencing was blinding me to what I needed to do to maintain a healthy relationship. Fantasy, passion, is beautiful and all but that doesn’t help when things get difficult or I need to show up in a conversation as a mature adult. I understand the lesson now and it came at a significant cost. One that I believe has changed me forever. One that has me wondering if there will ever be anything like it. I guess I will need to keep you posted but so far, I am coming up empty.