"Return as far as you can, and I will come the rest of the way to meet you."

In relationship, we experience healing and disconnection. Healing when we can apologize and disconnection when we don’t or can’t. Relationships become disconnected when we are stuck in a cycle of miscommunication, betrayal, blame, and we are left feeling cold, lonely, and completely detached from the people we love. So, why don’t we apologize?

I have been scouring the ends of the earth on all topics associated with relationship breakdowns. Reading, listening, and absorbing anything that will help me to understand myself in relationship as well as being able to see how a partner could relate to me in that same relationship. I don’t have the exact answers but what I have retained and found to be critical to explore is that the ability to apologize is directly connected to one’s view of themselves and that it can become a difficult task for some because apologizing can at times bring up feelings of inadequacy. That admitting that you wronged someone highlights that there is something wrong with you.

Non-apology is a function of arrogance and arrogance is usually a function of low self-esteem. Willingness to apologize to the people you love and make amends is a function of self-worth. The higher the self-worth the higher the self-respect the greater the willingness to apologize and make amends with the people you love. So, what does that really mean? It means that it is important that if you are going to speak your truth that you do it for you not in the pursuit of a response from the other person. And it doesn’t mean the person doesn’t love you, it just means that they are working from a small platform of self-worth and aren’t able to hear you and apologize because they are themselves filled with shame.

So, what that means is if you are going to open a conversation about a difficult topic with a defensive person, you do it for yourself you do it because you need to hear your own voice speaking to heal. But if you need a response, then you need to know you are not ready to open the conversation and so you shouldn’t. When you answer shame with shame and blame with blame there is no end to the cycle. Both people end up circling the drain when you aim to make the other person feel how they made you feel when you were hurting. If you come at your partner from a place of self-righteousness you are never going to be heard. And the disconnection will continue and eventually you will bury the relationship.

I am a product of a lifetime of invalidation. I was raised believing that in many ways I was bad. The things that were highlighted about me however was my independence, my looks, and my ability to commit to things and activities. Not sure that, that is a measure of a woman, but it was the platform in which I thrived. I made myself look good, I worked hard to ensure that I felt good about my body, my academics, and my activities because the better I did with those things, the more acknowledgement I received, and the less negative attention I got. The system was absolutely fucked as I look back on it. None of those things shape a person, they are just conditions to providing love and support. It ends up all being performance based. Which in turn causes anxiety and feelings of complete inadequacy when you fail.

I never have received the apology that I have desired from my mom. The acknowledgment of the wrongdoing. And as I have spent more time navigating myself and why I struggle to not only apologize but to effect change I realized that I don’t need a response from her. I am ready for her to hear what I have to say and that is enough for me. It is enough for me to acknowledge the hurt I experienced. That will provide me the reparation I need. Her feelings of inadequacy are not a reflection of who I am. Her choices when I was a child doesn’t make me not good enough. I am good enough and there is no response she could give me to offer that to me if I don’t already offer it to myself. I am not bad, I am human and the human in me doesn't ever want to be the cause of someone's pain and if I am, I will never be so arrogant again to not acknowledge their pain and repair it. I can be good and still hurt someone. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I think about the last year and a half of my life and I wish so desperately that I had been able to acknowledge all my wrongdoings. That I was able to step outside of my ego and look at the other person's experience for what it was not how it made me feel. Her feelings were never about me specifically they were about how I was making her feel because of my unwillingness to acknowledge consistently that I was ashamed of myself that I was ashamed of my behavior and therefore unable to hear her the way that she deserved. The way that we all deserve. As I sit with the gravity of the dynamic we created, I can’t help but wish for the opportunity to correct so much of the hurt. So much hurt that didn’t need to exist between two people who loved one another. I suppose it is when you love someone that it hurts most. When they can’t hear your pleas, it is truly devastating. I am sorry for my deafness.

Sadly, there is nothing that can be done to fix the past. To go back in time and erase what happened. It is because of what happened that I have made it my life’s mission to never allow myself to behave in a way that isn’t open and receptive to my partner. My partnership, my friendships and even my family deserves compassion and grace. My responsibility is to hold my boundary if they are not able to reciprocate. Doesn’t mean they don’t love me or that I don't love them; just means they have work to do on their own self-esteem before they can feel able to hear the difficult truths.

Apologizing is a critical ritual that needs to be practiced more. It is the sincerest way to show empathy and respect to the person that we have hurt. It is the most important action we can take to help heal the relationship and without it, it slowly erodes anything good. Not being consistent with my apologizing changed my life. It caused the breakdown of all the good things. I didn’t realize how horribly I viewed myself, how low my self-esteem was and how much my feelings of inadequacy prevented my willingness to apologize and repair when it counted most. We empower our partners when we can acknowledge the hurt, we cause them. We validate their experience, and we give them a reason to trust us again. Without it there is nothing.

Apologizing has the power to humble even the most arrogant of us. When we develop the courage to admit we are wrong and work past our resistance to apologizing, we develop a deep sense of self-respect and self-worth. It helps us to stay connected to our loved ones. It is the essential ingredient to maintaining a healthy connection. I am sorry for my arrogance, for my unwillingness to be humble, for invalidating your experience. For not holding myself accountable, for not behaving with integrity and for modeling toxic behaviors. For destroying the good. For sabotaging all the possibilities.