Revisiting the Magic

“Some mistakes... Just have greater consequences than others. But you don't have to let the result of one mistake be the thing that defines you. You, Clark, have the choice not to let that happen.”

It’s the simplest of things that bring up the most wonderful memories. I suppose that is the purpose behind the holiday season. To remind us of Christmas’s past. Whether we have good memories or bad, the holidays seem to spark a whole array of emotions that we need to work through or at the very least become apparent this time of the year.

So many of my clients have been struggling with the stress, the emotions, and the uneasiness of the holiday. Life for so many people is a struggle this year for so many reasons and holding space for that pain is so important during a time that we practice and preach, finding the joy and magic in the season. Where there is joy, there can also be heartache. That point can't be forgotten.

It’s cold, so very cold today. I am looking forward to this cold front. It is a reminder of the winter season. So much has been so uneasy that I have been seeking congruency. If it’s winter why then did, we have a 50 plus degree day yesterday? Is it because of global warming, perhaps. I suppose it is just a reflection of life itself. Nothing makes sense I suppose. We are born into this world to do that best we can, to be the best we can, and to succeed at whatever we set our minds too.

I have set my mind to the fact that I no longer want to compromise my energy to accept behavior from people where they don’t hold themselves accountable for their actions. If I am being honest, I was once that person who did not hold myself accountable for how I showed up, I pointed the finger, I was so locked down and angry with life that I found reasons to blame others for my unhappiness. I am no longer that person. I do however, protect my healing as if my life depended on it, because my life depends on it. I will never lose myself again. The cost of that has been catastrophic.

I spend a lot of time working through my feelings, assessing where they are coming from, and healing them, all without the use of another human being. I don’t heal by numbing; I heal by deeply feeling. That is a priceless piece of knowledge, one that I truly support and encourage, especially in my counseling room. So many people need permission to feel and this time of the year, I am spending so much time validating that for them. It’s an honor and a privilege.

Christmas for me has lost something, I haven’t quite figured out what it is but it has lost its sparkle. I had asked myself so many times this month if my feelings about the holiday was something I was projecting onto others. I encouraged finding magic even in the most difficult of circumstances and I wonder truly if that was me asking myself to find magic. I honestly don’t know because so many people are seeking change for themselves.

I miss the magic of the holidays. I miss the spirit of joy that it brings. The excitement. I don’t know if I will ever get that back and it makes me sad to acknowledge that. Today feels like another day. Something that is expected and something that while seeing the joy on my kid’s face will give me the spark I need to get into the moment, it leaves me feeling empty because it is not a self-created joy but rather a temporary one fueled by my kids.

The last holiday I remember enjoying, believing in, and living the magic of Christmas time, seems like a very distant memory. It feels like forever ago. I didn’t know what that Christmas would do and how it would catapult my life in a direction I never saw coming and since then it has been a journey to finding myself, to finding joy in the healing, to acknowledging the pain of the wounds of my past. There has been so much change and so much loss and while I can certainly find beauty and goodness, so much feels so uncertain. The magic vanished as quickly as I felt it.

Believing in magic means giving faith to something I can’t see. I have spent a lot of time in tangibles. Things I can feel and see. Measurable's. After reading the Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo I saw a glimmer of magic. There are a few select books that touch me in that way but this one showed that magic can be found in pain and suffering if you just take the time to look below the surface. If you look at people as humans rather than objects you can find magic in even the most difficult circumstances. Love truly does heal and love truly does exist even when you can’t see it in the moment. That was a message to be found in the pages of that book. Nothing is really black and white. Even the law that was designed to take away ambiguity, is interpreted according to the need of the interpreter.

In the land of life’s continuum, I couldn’t be further away from what I see as my happy place. As the place where if this one thing changed, I would feel settled. I haven’t reached that and perhaps in time that will come. I don’t know. My growth has been a wonderfully, painful journey, what I am missing however, is something I haven’t been able to put my finger on. I suppose movement forward is a choice but is settling on something just to say I moved forward worth it to me? Nah