Say what you mean

Living in integrity has been a focus of mine since I recognized how much of my life was spent living outside of it. I didn’t just lose my integrity when I went outside of my relationship commitment. I didn’t just lose it with each lie I told, white or otherwise. I have spent most of my life outside of integrity. I have never admitted to my pain, my need, my suffering, and I have carried myself in a way that led most observers to believe I had it all put together. I often told a story of how wonderful I was at multi-tasking. How good I was at being a mother, wife, employee. I sold a version of myself that made me look good to others but that I was unable to uphold once reality set in. I spent the better part of my life as a fraud. Living in a slew of defense mechanisms, wishing life had been different, and wanting others to sooth the deeply immature child that was running my life, me.

Outwardly, I looked ok, inwardly I was destructive, unavailable, and deeply, deeply, emotionally unhealthy and completely dysregulated. I was not a good partner, a good friend, and I dropped the ball on things that were critically important. I chose dishonesty over integrity often and I justified my bad behavior. I placed blame on those that were trying to love me and I was angry, so very angry. I was addicted to feeling good at the expense of others, I was motivated by getting what I wanted and was unable to sustain progress when I didn’t. I struggled to acknowledge my responsibility in situations. Argued the reality of other people’s experiences. Invalidated people for feeling harmed by me and victimized myself to be able to tolerate who I had become. If I could place blame then I was not accountable for their pain. I chose manipulation and gaslighting to make myself feel better and didn’t think how my actions would impact others. I took for granted people seeing me until they were no longer interested in seeing me anymore. No matter what trauma I sustained I had the choice to not repeat toxic behaviors once those behaviors were pointed out to me. I said I would change and I didn't.

I had the choice to show up in complete vulnerability and each time I chose the opposite. I stepped further and further away from integrity. Each time, I lost my temper, swore at a loved one, was indignant, entitled, lacked humility, didn’t repair the damage I created, failed to genuinely apologize I was not in integrity. Each time I laid with someone to feel better about myself, to feel wanted and desired, I stepped out of integrity. I betrayed myself each time. I sold myself for a temporary feeling, I fueled my addiction. I spent my whole adult life fueling my addiction. I may have given up substances but I fed my addiction in attempts of love, seeking partnerships that I needed to control, and placing myself in roles that offered me opportunity to control outcomes. Always choosing the path away from integrity. I claimed I was loyal, I was, to myself. I served myself well.

This is who I spent the better part of my life being. Completely and utterly out of integrity. Perhaps this is a harsh assessment of myself, but I don’t believe it is. I have spent the last couple of years working on sorting this person out. On working on showing up as a much more self-aware human being. About being able to acknowledge all the parts of myself that are not in line with who I want to show up as in the world around me. I have children and was blessed with the privilege of being their mother and if I am not living in integrity, I am not showing up for them well, in fact not at all. I know there will be days that I falter, I am human so that is to be expected but if I am not consistently adjusting and in awareness of my actions and how they impact others, I am not showing up in integrity.

This is an honest and accurate assessment of who I spent the better part of my life being. Motivated by recognition and how people saw me rather than how I saw myself. My worth was contingent on how good someone made me feel and not how they felt in my presence. I had no idea on what loving someone meant because loving someone came at the price of how they loved me first. I was selfish and self-serving. I was looking to fill the void I felt most of my life of not feeling good enough, of being only loved conditionally. So, I loved people exactly the same way. Ignorant of my patterns of behavior. Lacking the skill set to be in a relationship, to be a parent, to be a friend.

I have spent the last couple of years, relearning and unlearning everything I knew to be true about love, relationships, and parenting. It has been painful, difficult, at times I have taken 1,000 steps forward to only take 10,000 steps back. I have fallen more than I can count. I have spent endless amount of time in and out of shame. I have wanted to crawl in a hole to never come out, to brand myself with the scarlet letter to ensure no one could ever be harmed by me again. I didn’t think I could ever be more than a deeply wounded person, who didn’t have enough people skills to be a decent human being. And yet, here I am today, fighting the good fight. Working on myself each and every day. Showing up for the people around me from a regulated place, meeting my needs to ensure my expectations of others are reasonable. Setting expectations of others that are congruent and in alignment. Meeting my needs by assessing myself, identifying my triggers, and working like hell to sort through it. And even when things become unbearable knowing that the work, I am doing is life or death. I will die without doing this work and I will kill all the relationships around me as well.

I can either live in integrity or die in a self-made hell of dishonesty. I am choosing the path towards integrity. I am choosing to deal with discomfort, to confront my demons, to reflect on my actions, and to show up with the people I love in complete vulnerability and humility each and every day. I am offering myself forgiveness where none used to exist. I am listening to others instead of just responding based on my need. I am tender with myself and others when I want to be harsh and harmful to myself and them. Most of all, I remind myself that the path to living a whole and happy life is to be honest with myself and with those around me. People can handle the truth; the truth allows people the choice to show up for you. Once a lie is introduced, you lose everything.