Skin to skin

It has been over six months since I last felt the touch of another human being. It is interesting how easy it is to adjust to that and yet today it came over me that I miss the touch of another. I have actively chosen celibacy. It is a commitment to self to honor my feelings and my heart. To not engage in interactions to distract myself or numb myself. Today, however, I am thinking about passion, intimacy, and touch. While all three are needed in relationship, I am weighing which one is more important to a successful, healthy, relationship. I likely will conclude you need them all.

Touch along with chemistry is subjective in terms of what people look for from a partner. For me touch is important. I enjoy the feel of the hand of someone I love. I enjoy the feel of it intertwined with mine, on my body, in my most delicate places. Touch is something that I seek sustenance from so not having it has been quite an adjustment. I have adjusted to my touch in ways that I hadn’t had too before. Learning myself more and more and understanding that right now the choice I make is to not just give myself to anyone. I spent a lifetime giving myself away for a momentary touch that meant nothing. I am no longer willing to accept less than I deserve.

The commitment to focus on me has been critically important to my survival. I have truly never been so committed to anything like this before and that commitment has had me focus differently on what I need to feel whole. Passion, intimacy, and touch are components I am missing these days. My body is craving touch, it is craving intimacy, and above all else it is craving passion. Passion is an essential ingredient to a successful relationship. Passion is what ignites intimacy it’s what makes exquisite fourplay and makes for great love making. The moment you kiss each other it begins.

The way it feels when your lover slowly penetrates you, only means something when passion is present. When you can feel safe with your partner, when you are able to free yourself so much sexually that you can’t help but swallow your partner inside you, is a sign that your intimately and passionately connected to them. They can feel it, sense it, and are exhilarated by it and you know because of the way they melt into you. The way their breath changes. This is no ordinary experience. It is only one that can be created off the heels of passion and within the confines of safety. And it lasts long after each person is left satisfied and taken care of.

I crave that. I crave an experience with another human that is built upon the foundation of passion and safety. One where you are able to get literally and metaphorically naked with them and be your most vulnerable. Where the anticipation of seeing them, being in their proximity sends electricity through your body. So that the moment you lay eyes on them and your lips meet, there is nothing else in the world that matters. That is what I have experienced, it is what led me to the direction of celibacy at this time because I won’t settle for less than that.

It took me almost my whole life to be comfortable being with myself, understanding myself, and enjoying the comfort that being with myself offers. However, I am human and I am thinking about human connection and I miss it. I miss it very much. I want the anticipatory feeling that is present when you are about to see your lover. When all you can envision is that moment where you feel like one because you are sharing the most vulnerable parts of yourself with your partner. That is what I seek. Chemistry, passion, intimacy, touch, the key ingredients to mind blowing love making and connection.

I have learned a lot about myself in the last six months. I have uncovered the ugliest parts of myself. I have processed the loss of some of the most important people in my life. I have processed the reconfiguration of long-standing relationships. I have had to adjust my parenting strategies and techniques. I have chosen to show up for my kids, raw and vulnerable. They always deserved my humanity. It took my unraveling to acknowledge this to myself. With my unraveling I vowed to never lose sight of my passion again.

I want someone to want me. I want to feel the electrifying feeling I know exists with the blending of the perfect ingredients. I want to feel one with my partner in all the ways that I know are possible and I will wait for as long as necessary to find that. Once upon a time I would have moved on to the next thing, the next situation, and likely I would have blown that up. Today as I sit here writing this, I can’t help but recognize that without all the previous experiences I would not be in this mindset. I would never have learned the benefit of being able to be alone with myself. I would have missed some of the most beautiful times I have had the opportunity to experience in my own company.