Someone you loved, don’t ever force yourself to love me.

Natural, organic, and simple love is where it’s at. The kind of love that makes you have butterflies in your belly and makes you think, how lucky can I be?

I realized today that no matter what happens moving forward I will not end up with her. I will not walk a path alongside her, nor will I ever breath the same air as her again. I will walk a very different path. One that does not include her and I. It no longer matters why or how we got here. What I have come to realize is that the feelings are just no longer there. They are no longer wholesome and pure. Organic and natural. They are pained and distrustful. And nothing I say or do will change that.

I thought at one point that I could prove to her that I was someone worth loving. That despite all of the pain that I had caused that I she would find a way to love me because I really believed that she was the one to open me up and help me to see myself in a way that I had not dared explore before. The challenges, the pursuit for more, all the things that were awoken in me and while I don’t think I will ever stop, my purpose is no longer the same. To be honest nothing is the same nor will it ever be again. Life is fundamentally different. The way I see it, experience, live in it are no longer the same and while some of that may be liberating and freeing. Most of it is a reminder of the pain and the loss and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get ahead.

Today I decided that in a short time I will stop writing in this format. It was never my intention to write publicly. In fact, I don’t think I have ever shared so much of myself in such a forum ever in my life. This, however, was not for anyone else. It was for two eyes only. It pains me to admit this but she is no longer interested in what I have to say. I haven’t spoken to her in 38 days and that number will just continue to grow. There is no turning back. Any potential she believed I had is no longer there. It is all done and all we are left with is that my character is gravely flawed, that I am subhuman and anything else that ever transpired between us was singularly to satisfy my wants and needs. I never wanted us to be strangers and here we are. No longer knowing the other the way we once did.

How could I have been so off this morning, when I made such affirmations regarding someone else’s feelings. Who the hell do I think I am really to have ever believed that I could still feel her? I am constantly being humbled, reminded that I don’t know her anymore. That I am so desperate to find signs that I am seeing things that don’t exist. It’s pathetic really. I am ashamed of myself for really believing that somehow, we could find our way back. I guess we all need our stories to make ourselves feel better when we are hurting and today, I guess that was my story. But I quickly learn that it is not reciprocated and that must be ok. It must be ok that we must force ourselves to remember the bad to protect ourselves. Allowing those defenses to come down would be catastrophic so we remember the bad and forget that good existed and if we remember any good, we tell ourselves that it was never real. That intentions were never pure, that the person you loved was a monster.

I am sitting in bed listening to an array of music because there’s nothing to watch of interest and I am writing again. It’s become quite the coping mechanism. One I never imagined would be beneficial to me. I suppose it hasn’t been beneficial in the ways I had hoped but it has helped me to process, and it allows me a documented reflection of myself to look back on when I get on the other side of this. I hope that I will someday get on the other side of this and if not, I really hope it gets easier. I know that I need to continue this journey of life regardless of whether she walks it with me and based on the discoveries this weekend, there will never be a time we walk parallel with one another again. I suppose I knew that before this weekend but that fucking concept of hope, had me believing that in time, things would be right again.

I would never want anyone to force themselves to love me, to want to be near me, to have to remind themselves of the dark that lies within me to avoid joining me in the light that I have worked so hard to create. I’d imagine there is a far less complicated creature out there. Someone who hasn’t hurt anyone, who has never been self-serving, who hasn’t been selfish and self-absorbed. So, no, I don’t ever want to force you to love me. Love should never be forced, at least that much I think we agree on. Love should be natural and organic. The thing that calms the storms within when nothing else will do.

It has taken me such a long time to realize that it doesn’t matter to anyone but me what I do from here. That whatever next steps I take are for me and my children. We all deserve me to heal, to just accept that things aren’t how I had hoped they would be. That no matter how hard I wish, wishes don’t come true. That I am the only one that gets to make my life what I want it to be. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, I will bury this blog. I will burn down social media, and I will let the rest burn. The connection is severed, scarred over, and dead. There is no breathing life into this thing no matter how much I want it. It’s warm and dead. And she has put a DNR in place that I can’t revoke, only she can. The heart wants what it wants but not forced. I don’t want that kind of love. Not now, not ever. We don’t get a modern-day fairytale.