Something could be on the horizon

Not sure what will come of this post, I wasn’t sure I was going to write at all today but as I lay here, I was compelled to write. I just finished watching a new show with my oldest while the little one slept soundly. The show is Atypical, and it is about a teen boy with autism who wants to start dating. It is cute but had me thinking how difficult it is for him to get the social cues needed to engage in a relationship with a species he has little to know understanding of. In this case, the female species. I have to say, I can relate. I love women but man are we complicated creatures.

Today has been a day. I am not sure even where to begin with my day and how I woke up today and more importantly where I ended. I got fortunate to have an impromptu sleepover with my kids and I feel blessed. The little one is lying next to me. snuggling the otter, she has claimed as her own, snoring and I should really go to sleep but I am wired.

I woke up today feeling resigned. I had come here last night to acknowledge the death of something so important to me. I stated out loud that it was without a pulse, a DNR and no chance of resuscitation. Today, I don’t know what to think. Today, I am cautiously optimistic.

I don’t want to miss the opportunity to be grateful for today. I couldn’t go to sleep without sharing that she took the time today to open the lines of communication in a way that felt safe for her, and I am grateful. I am thankful for the opportunity to possibly connect, and to explore what is safe and above all else warm and genuine. No matter how much time has passed there is a warmth that she possesses that if asked to describe I really can’t put words too. And maybe it isn’t for me to describe, as I have said recently, I don’t know that everyone gets to hear our story. Some things are meant to be kept close to the heart.

I don’t know where we go from here. I do know that I am looking forward to therapy to be able to sit with my therapist and really process this and the potential next steps. My main priority is to offer warmth, an open heart, and above all else to be able to hold space for her feelings. No matter how difficult the information may be to receive, it has undoubtedly been difficult for her to not be heard for so long. My only job is to hold space for that. That had always been my job but rather than set my ego aside and listen, I chose otherwise. What happens next is the most important aspect of this.

All I can do, all I am required to do, is to show up authentically. To be open, to maintain the utmost integrity, to be warm and humble, and to show up offering love. The rest will sort itself out but not without those essential components. It’s hard to admit that these things have been a struggle for me. That for so long, I allowed my own feelings to cloud my ability to make sound decisions, to show up for the people I love in a way that showed them that they meant more to me than my comfort. Such difficult lessons to have to learn at this age but lessons that I am proud of having received.

The worst part of this would have been not to have learned anything. To not have taken this loss and the grief and done something good with it. I know that I am not perfect and that no matter what I may have believed about myself, I never was. Saying that out loud is the most powerful statement I could make, because while I never walked around professing how perfect I was, I highlighted all those things that made me look a certain way. The things that someone would find “attractive” what I was missing was so much more than any amount of multitasking or problem solving I could muster. What would have made me truly sexy, would have been how I showed up in difficult situation. Being there, grounded in love, no matter what emotional process I had going on.

I don’t know what happens from here, but I do know that wherever it takes me, wherever it takes us, will be because I show up. That’s the first step, for me to show up. Could this be the beginning of something? I can’t answer that today, but I know I am ready and I am hoping that in time that answer will be revealed.