Stonewalling and the apocalypse

When a person stonewalls it is often assumed that they are rude, immature, angry or not interested in relating to others. That may be true of some people, but I think that when you really look closer at stonewalling it is more likely a defense mechanism. Why am I even bringing this up? I think mostly because it is something that I struggle with. My need to disengage is a pervasive problem that has affected my relationships. So, if I am being completely honest with myself it is time to dig deep into sorting that out. Otherwise, I am at serious risk of apocalyptic loss.

Building our empathy muscle or reinforcing it when we have stopped tending to it is something that can go a long way in most all interactions. Having empathy and compassion for someone’s experience is critical to developing and building trust, which in time will lead to healthier relationships. I engage in very unhealthy behaviors at times. I am defensive, I stonewall, I hold contempt, blame, and at times I am even critical of people in an attempt to feel better about myself. And while I can argue like a champ and plead my case in why I am justified in behaving like this, there is no excuse for this kind of interaction and if I am looking to avoid a relationship apocalypse then I need to truly examine where this stems from. At first glance, I can say it is because I struggle in conflict or that I don't like confrontation. Upon further inspection it’s that I don’t love myself well which makes it hard for me to love others they way they deserve. Either way, it is essential to my future to begin healing this very damaging part of me.

When we stonewall people, it has the potential to be manipulative in nature. It has the potential to send the person we are interacting with into a spiral of their own triggers and then what you have is a relationship disaster. Realize it’s not about you. When a person is behaving in an unfavorable way, it reflects who they are and how they are, and often has very little to do with you. If you can recognize this and see that their behavior is not a personal attack, it can help you feel less defensive. Does that make the experience any easier to deal with? Absolutely not! In fact, it makes us not want to interact with that person. Anyone who is capable of being cruel, or draining our most precious gift, our energy, doesn't deserve access to us. But what happens when you love this person? Do you walk away? Or do you hope they figure it out before the unhealthy dynamics outweigh the love?

I suffer from emotional shutdowns often. I am afraid of rejection, I am afraid of abandonment, and I am afraid that if I am truly vulnerable with someone, if they see ME, they will leave. All that proves at present is that I don’t love myself. That I seek external validation as a means to feel better about myself. It is all ego based and has nothing to do with loving myself or others well. So, am I an addict or do I know what real love looks and feels like? If I am being perfectly honest, I think it is a little bit of both. I think I am both an addict and have the capacity for healthy love but without reconciling my addictive nature I am never going to achieve healthy love.

During my therapy yesterday, I had to process a variety of intense feelings about love and how I see it. And I acknowledged that until my marriage, I hadn’t known what real love actually felt like. I had spent a lot of my youth engaging in unhealthy behaviors that felt good in the moment but were not safe for me. They didn’t foster emotional connection, there was no intimacy it was simply a dopamine boost, that I could control. It was compartmentalized “love” right? No, it became an addiction. It became a means to an end a way to fill my ego cup and a way to FEEL something in a moment but once that feeling left, I was left feeling depleted. I have felt depleted much of my life. Always seeking the next rush but never being satisfied. As much as I pride myself in being an addict in recovery, I am nowhere near a place that allows me to engage with those that I love in a way that is satisfying for them because I am not bringing my authentic self to the table. I am bringing my insecurities and fears to each interaction because the moment that someone expresses a negative emotion that I invoke in them, I turn into a monster of epic proportions and my anger takes over and my defensives get activated and the potential for healthy interaction ceases to exist. So, what do I do then, I stonewall, I stop offering any emotions at all. I retreat into myself and withhold. That doesn’t set up the potential for any healthy interactions let alone any healthy resolutions.

In EMDR, I have been working on my trauma and the effects that is has had on my self-esteem, my self-perception, and how I see love. I am working on re-writing age old narratives about myself. It is a slow process, one that has been painful at times. It is hard to reflect on ourselves and identify the maladaptive behaviors we have relied so heavily on since we were small. The cost of not making a change is far too great. I have two beautiful daughters who rely on me to be their role model. Who are eager to aspire to be like me and that motivates me to do this work. To share with anyone reading this that to truly make changes in yourself you must be willing to consistently evaluate your role in each unhealthy interaction. You must be willing to see yourself in each situation and not as the victim or perpetrator but as an active participant who may not have behaved in a manner that is suitable to foster healthy communication and relationships. You have to stop manipulating yourself.

In my therapy yesterday we talked about the importance of a linear progression in terms of relationships ending and new ones beginning. But when that isn’t the reality of your situation how do you embark on a journey when it often feels chaotic and overwhelming to you. How do you repair something that has sustained so much damage? I have made so many excuses for this or that and I have used my trauma defenses to stay as disconnected as humanly possible. I have limited my capacity to understand because it’s easier than sitting in uncomfortable situations. It’s easier than acknowledging that its because of ME, that someone is feeling unattended too. That they are holding on tightly with the hope that I will figure it out. That I will figure out that the self-sabotaging relationship tactics I have adapted to won’t work here. They won’t strengthen anything, rather they will continue to deteriorate the potential for anything healthy to develop.

Am I that afraid of love that I will perpetually destroy it? This is to be determined.

I don’t know that fear has any room in my vocabulary anymore. It is debilitating, destructive, and above all else it closes me off. It eradicates any potential for me to connect to myself which means I can’t connect to anyone else. I need to figure this out and fast. I am on the verge of imploding and I don’t know that I can handle that. So, how do I stop sabotaging things? How do I recognize that being alone with my thoughts doesn’t offer anything to anyone looking for connection? How do I show someone that my enthusiasm extends beyond just what I get from them? That I am not addicted to the feeling but that I am willing to put the hard work in. Relationships of all kinds are hard work. You must be willing to step outside of your defenses and meet the person where they are. Quiet yourself long enough to work through any defenses and open yourself to healthier communication. Open yourself to listen to the needs of the person. They have them too and they need to matter.

I’ll be honest, I am tired. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of beating my head against the wall. I feel like that is all I have been doing my whole life. Wanting something to change but doing nothing to change it. I mean could it possibly be that I have manipulated myself my entire life to believe I am a victim of circumstances. I fucking hope not. All I can do now is listen. Listen to those around me that are asking me to look at myself and acknowledge that I have a lot to work on. That I must meet the needs of others, especially when they are meeting my needs. I am craving intimacy and normalcy, and I am essentially the one keeping myself from it because I am unwilling to unlock access to it. I have only touched the surface on the parts of me that need healing and yet I am still loved. Imagine if I allowed people in, if I allowed them to see the vulnerable side of me. The parts that they love but that I don’t give freely. I'd imagine I would be a lot more fulfilled, and I would have the emotional capacity to give them everything and anything they need to feel loved and tended to. The people who love me deserve this; I deserve this. It’s time to make some moves.