The non-blame game

I am almost four hours into my day, and I feel like I have put in an eight-hour day already. Lots of productive conversations so far today. Today is a 16-hour day and I am not looking forward to it. These long days are a huge motivator for me to really get my act in gear and navigate the next stages of my career progression and planning. I have been navigating through some solid ideas and now to execution. I’m hopeful things will start falling into place and that I can begin my exit strategy. There is an excitement and nervousness about that prospect, but it mostly makes me feel hopeful for a more effective work life balance. Stay tuned, I’ll be sure to update you on my journey of full-time retail manager to full-time clinician. It’s sure to be exciting.

Today, I woke up from a deep sleep to my alarm going off for what seemed to be a long time. I have been sleeping very deeply these last couple of nights and it has been an interesting development. Sleep and I have always had an interesting relationship. I am a light sleeper who has intense and frequent nightmares. It’s a struggle sometimes but I have grown very accustomed to it. Yesterday was a long client day and one where I had some really awesome sessions. Sometimes they just go smoothly, and you have some mentionable breakthroughs and other days it feels stuck and stagnant. Yesterday was a mentionable day. I left feeling very fulfilled and proud of all my clients for their commitment to themselves. I also had the opportunity to connect with a colleague last night on my way home and I was grateful for that opportunity. I don’t often recognize how isolating being a clinician can be and it was nice to be able to listen to my peer as well as share.

I have been reflecting on so much lately that it is often difficult to sift out what I can set aside and what really needs immediate attention. I am juggling so many pieces daily that I must prioritize for myself how I process and that has been challenging to navigate. I want to be able to cycle through some of these things but what I have realized is that they are all interconnected so there isn’t really a simplistic way to tackle each thing individually. At times it can be so overwhelming but what I am finding is that in time it gets easier and the more forgiving I become with myself the better I begin to feel and that is a win in my book. Small wins are all I am looking for these days and I am happy to report that I am so much more able to be ok with that than ever before. Small and manageable versus big and unmanageable. I suppose it is all a matter of perspective but worth acknowledging.

I’ve been reflecting on the idea of assigning blame when we experience interpersonal conflict and how truly destructive that can end up being to the health and functionality of a relationship. Does it really matter who is right and who is wrong? I think human behavior is that we need to blame someone for our difficult situations or for why something didn’t work out because I suppose it is easier to blame than to self-reflect and change. In the end though, it doesn’t actually matter who is right and who is wrong. All that undoubtedly does is create even more distance and eventually it kills the relationship. It also keeps us stuck. Focusing on blaming the other person ends up keeping us from making forward motion and then we continue to perpetuate the cycle of blaming someone else for something that in the end we have full control of which is how we behave and the steps we take to create forward motion for ourselves outside of what someone else would do or not.

What if we were able to recognize that we are both wrong in some capacity? That if we forced ourselves into consistent accountability that we would likely have less blame and less conflict. I say this generally because of course the severity of every conflict is different on a case-by-case basis, but I think there is something to say about acknowledging that each person has a role in the conflict and that if we stay in that simple and accurate reality, we could potentially have a better chance at conflict resolution.

When I think about myself and my own behavior, I realize that I struggle with conflict. I struggle having turmoil especially with someone I love and so I end up desiring to “fix” the problem as swiftly as possible. I want it to be immediate because I don’t want to lose the person and all that does is create behaviors that I then implement which are manipulative and harmful to the person who had the negative experience of me. I want immediate gratification and that isn’t always possible. Add to that complex trauma coping strategies and defense mechanisms and it’s a difficult circle to square. Can we make commitments to ourselves and our partners or friends that we are committed to resolution before we make the commitment to place blame? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. I am sure that if I asked a relationship expert, they would say anything is possible and that conflict resolution isn’t as difficult as it appears. But truly who knows. I know that for me it is important that I explore this further because my need is immediate gratification, the other party involved may need something completely different and I need to be able to make room for both of our needs. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

I want to live in a land where we assume positive intention. Where we don’t assume the worst in others and that I truly believe must begin with personal accountability and the willingness to listen and create space for those around us. Without that I don’t think we allow ourselves the bandwidth to see people for who they are and not how they chose to handle a specific situation. Or more importantly how they activate us in any given situation. Here’s the deal, no one sets out to hurt the people they love. Most people do everything they can to increase the pleasure receptors and avoid all conflict. And if you are like me, you want immediate resolution when things happen. When I fuck up is when I don’t allow the person to have an experience and that becomes toxic and often harmful and enough of that sends people running for the hills. I won’t always get it right, but I am sure as hell more determined than ever to explore where my need is coming from and if I am allowing my partner to have their need and making space without jumping to the conclusion that they are leaving me. That THEY are doing something to me rather than exploring what are my belief systems, my childhood experiences doing to activate me in that moment.

It isn’t a perfect science, but it is something that with commitment to self and to the relationship can yield positive outcomes. Assuming the best in our partners versus assuming harmful intent is a step towards better communication and less misunderstandings. I am responsible to how I behave and how I let things affect me no matter what anyone else is doing and that is how I will conduct myself. Full accountability and less blame. Less assumption, more communication. Less talking and more listening. I am responsible for me.