To donate or not to donate

There has been an age-old debate about when life begins and as we know with the debate about abortion there is no clear-cut answer. So, we are left with our own belief systems to decide what side of the aisle we are going to sit on. I have always been pro-life. I always believed that unless a woman has been sexually assaulted or it poses a risk to the mother’s life that a child should be given the opportunity to be born. I am sure that many would disagree with me and that is ok. I believe that everyone should have the right to their opinion on political matters as well as matters of their heart and body.

My stance on abortion is not what prompted me to write this, what prompted me to even dip a toe into this very controversial subject is that I am not only pro-life, I am also a woman who had to undergo vigorous infertility treatments to have a child. I embarked on the journey to get pregnant over four years ago and what I believed was going to be a relatively easy process turned into an emotionally crippling experience that has left aftershocks of pain inside of me to this day. It’s like this nagging presence that while I am beyond blessed with a healthy baby girl, still lingers in the back of mind and deeply within the most feeling parts of my heart.

I am going to be 41 on Sunday, and the idea of another pregnancy is looming in the forefront of my mind. I am faced with the impending ending of my childbearing years and I am not going to lie, it’s fucking scary. I recall as a young teen hating the monthly visitor that plagued me with cramps, blood, emotional meltdowns, and just the all-around ick that comes with becoming a woman. Until I began my infertility journey, I didn’t realize all the intricate details of my menstrual cycle or that I had a shorter luteal faze then my peer group, or that I would struggle to have children. I didn’t know any of that then, I didn’t know any of that in my twenties, or my early thirties but I learned a lot over the two-year journey.

I am here to encourage anyone reading this in childbearing years to take the steps to preserve your fertility. Just because we are women, does not guarantee that you will be able to bare children. It’s a cold, hard reality to acknowledge but to be informed is to be empowered and man do I wish I had been better informed.

The dilemma now is to donate or not to donate. We created tiny humans that are currently cryopreserved at the infertility clinic. Each month there is a monthly fee that is charged to store our babies. They are held in time, about 5 or 6 days old in their process of growth and development. They have not been given the opportunity to take hold of the uterus that could provide them the nourishment and sustenance to ever get the opportunity to develop a heartbeat, that would determine their viability. To me, to us, they are already viable little beings and that is not up for debate.

So, what do you do when you are unsure of what the future holds but your biological clock is coming to an end? Do you make the decision to discard your babies? Bury them along so many others who have gone before them. Donate them and let someone else have the gift of life that we struggled so hard to make happen? Try one more time to create a life even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty? I don’t know what the answer is but as I hear the final sounds of my biological clock ticking, as I am facing the changes that my body will be facing in the coming years, I am left with the question of whether I am done on this journey of creating life or if this is just the debate, I needed to help guide me towards the answer. I will have to get back to you on what is finally decided but I will tell you that this decision is not one I wish on anyone. It is difficult and painful, and it is causing me to reflect on parts of my humanity that are scary and completely and totally out of my control. In the end, whatever the decision is, the impact remains the same. A lifelong commitment.